7 years and 11 months

7 years and 11 months ago I got to start the journey of a lifetime, nourishing my babies through the gift of breastmilk.  I do not take for granted how extremely blessed I am to be able to breastfeed successfully, I've had it really easy except for a few blips here and there. 

I didn't set out to breastfeed initially.  At least not before I got pregnant.  I remember actually walking through the baby department putting together my list of "necessities"...crib, bathtub, carseat, formula.  Yes, I read the canister and tried to figure out about how much a baby would go through a week and made up my mock budget.  We weren't ttc (trying to conceive), but we'd talked about it (and later changed our mind, then later got pregnant because I can't do math correctly apparently).  Breastfeeding didn't even occur to me...I knew that I was breastfed for 3mo and my younger brother for 6w, but I'd never seen anyone breastfeed and I didn't even know that you could breastfeed as the sole nutrition for your baby.  I thought you HAD to feed formula.

But somewhere (A Baby Story or one of the parenting magazines I got in the mail while pregnant probably) I heard about breastfeeding and it finally struck me to start researching it.  And I was sold, 100%.  No formula would pass through the lips of my baby's, God willing.  When my mother tried to convince me to buy some "just in case", I refused.  When the neighbor passed on two giant cans she didn't need anymore, I donated them.  I didn't want it in the house at all.  I didn't want that option, I didn't want to give myself an opportunity to fail.  I had faith that if I kept at it and prayed, that God would teach us how to be successful.

And then my son was born after a difficult labor (induced unnecessaril because my water broke and contractions didn't start right away and complications arose from all the medical-ness of everything).  When they finally brought him to me, I tried to get him to latch on, and he did for like 3 half-hearted sucks, and he wouldn't again.  I tried and tried with him every hour (minus the 2 1/2ish hours that my mother would NOT let me hold him while my exhausted husband slept).  The lactation consultant came by and tried to help us, but he was not interested.  The (mean) nurse came by and kept threatening us with formula, but the lactation consultant got wind of that and stopped the madness.  The nurse was claiming that my son was starving but the LC ordered a blood glucose test and he was well within normal limits.  She still left us with another threat that he'd have to have sugar water soon.  14 hours passed and the nurse rudely dropped off a bottle of sugar water and told us he HAD to have it soon.  My grandmother was there and trying to get him to drink it and I noticed him take ONE suck and demanded my baby immediately.  He finally nursed, Lord I was SOOOO happy.  The next few weeks were rough, he was a lazy sloooooooow frequent eater and often I'd cry and pray through every feeding, begging God to help us get it right.  On average, he'd nurse for an hour, and sleep for an hour, then nurse for an hour again.  It was hard, but at the same time I liked it because it meant that no one got to hold him much, and I'm really not a sharing Mommy.  I like to hold my babies.  It did drive my mother crazy though, and she fought hard to convince me to wean him and told me all the time that he must not be getting enough because he was eating so often.  My little man was a chubster though!  All of my babies have started small (he was 6lbs15oz, my oldest daughter was 6lbs12oz, youngest son was 6lbs5oz, and my youngest daughter was 7lbs14oz...ok, she wasn't small) and they were all 12lbs by 12w, and 16lbs by 16w, and 18lbs by 6m, and so far they've all been 24lbs by their first birthday.  No chance of a starving baby here.

My second baby came out hungry!  She nursed within the first hour and never had any problems.  We weaned her and her older brother at 3y9m.  I had wanted to do child-led weaning, but my husband said it was time, and I obliged.  In hindsight, I think it was the perfect age for MY kids.  I plan on weaning the rest at the same time (barring any medical issues that would require them to have breastmilk for a longer period of time).

My third baby was 4w1d early and he was ready to eat too.  I was worried that maybe he'd have a tough time, but he was a pro.  And he's still nursing, usually twice a day, sometimes though he asks a few more times and I'll let him.

My 4th baby was ready to nurse not long after birth.  She's in that distractable phase right now that oftentimes leaves me soaking wet and exposed, but it's all good.  And she's a big girl!  19lbs even at 7mo.

One of the alleged "downsides" to all this breastfeeding here is that none of my babies have taken a bottle.  Ever.  We tried at least 12 different bottle/nipple combos with my first, and he just wouldn't ever take one.  My mother ended up straw feeding him (holding her finger/thumb over the top of the straw to hold the ebm (expressed breast milk) then moving it to his mouth and dripping it in) on the few times she watched him for an hour or two, and by 5mo he could drink out of a straw.  We tried a few bottles with my oldest daughter also so that I could leave her home while I went to a weekly church group when she was over 6mo, but she wouldn't have it.  She could also drink from a straw by 6mo.  We didn't even bother trying bottles with the youngest two, but they could both drink from a straw by 5 or 6mo.  I really don't mind that they won't take bottles though because I'm never away from them (leaving my oldest was soooo hard, I cried everytime.  I hated it, but I did it because everyone said that you "have" to, bologna I say now!).

I've also donated ebm twice.  I felt a heavy conviction when my oldest daughter was a baby to donate, and I did to an adopted baby for a total of 7-8months.  I wanted desperately to provide her with 100% ebm, but I could never get more than about 20oz in a day and it wasn't long before she was taking close to 40oz a day.  Her adopted mother tried desperately to lactate and fed her with a Lact-Aid device, but it just never happened.  I think it's neat that she still got that "nursing" bonding experience though.  I felt a strong conviction again this time to donate, and I did for 4 months, again, maxing out around 20oz a day.  This time my milk went to two different babies, one adopted again!

I look forward to one day seeing my beautiful daughters snuggling their sweet babies and nursing them, and I look forward to hopefully having more of my own to nurse.  It truly is a glorious feeling to nourish your baby in this fashion.  It's worth the milk-stained clothing and waking up soaked in bed and not being able to have anyone else "help" with the feeding (honestly, I prefer to do all the feeding myself).  I just love it, and I'm so thankful that God has worked it out for us.

***

I’m celebrating World Breastfeeding Week with Natural Parents Network!

You can, too — link up your breastfeeding posts from August 1-7 in the linky below, and enjoy reading, commenting on, and sharing the posts collected here and on Natural Parents Network.

(Visit NPN for the code to place on your blog.)

Transparent Tuesday

Transparent Tuesday
On Tuesdays I want to make myself transparent and share something that God has been working on my life, whether it be small (like cleaning my Suburban so I'm not humiliated when I open the door at the grocery store and trash falls out) or big, like submitting to my husband on an issue that needed to be addressed for many years.  You don't have to share this as many of these matters may be very private, but I encourage you to participate privately if you so choose.

Psalm 51:1-4
1)Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.
2)Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
3)For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.
4)Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.





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Brokenhearted.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted

And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

He heals the brokenhearted

And binds up their wounds.

Psalm 147:3

Today my heart is broken for a few of my friends.  They are suffering some big hurts in their lives right now.  If you would please just pray for them, I would be so appreciative.  I know that anything is possible with God, even if they don't see it right now.  Pray for their healing (physical, relational) and for their faith.  A few of them may be teetering.  And pray for their families.  Please and thank you.



Sing Praise

I woke up with grumblies on my lips and in my heart.  Before I even got out of my bedroom this song came to mind, forcefully! 



Sing Praise ladies! Find the beauty in your day, and if you have none, find the beauty in God's word. He is with us always, and He is a constant comfort if we'll just let Him into each moment.

Psalm 119:50

"This is my comfort in my affliction,

that Your word has revived me."

Strange Dream

I had a dream last night that I was in a hospital walking around...not sure why, but ok.  A nurse asked me to come and sit with an old woman who was going to die soon.  She was VERY old, she was all shriveled up and looked like a raisin.  She was raspy and barely able to talk and they said she would die within a few hours.  They were going to use some of her organs to save a middle aged man's life. 

I sat with her in silence for a while, listening as it got harder for her to breath.  I felt compelled to ask if she knew Jesus, but I was scared.  Scared of what though?  Just scared like I always am to ask someone this question.  I don't know what to say after, even though I know that the Holy Spirit can speak through me and give me words...I mean how many times has He given me the words to speak when my children ask difficult questions?  Have you ever had a time when you're talking about something Biblical that has confused you for a long time, and suddenly it clicks?  There can be no explanation for when it happens to me other than God suddenly and fantastically making it clear.

Finally, I asked her if she knew Jesus.  She perked up a little and said some of the usual stuff, He was a man, He did great things, but she didn't really know if He was God, it sounded too far fetched.  So we talked for a while and she asked hard questions, and I witnessed to her, and she came to know the truth.  Suddenly, she was a healthy 2 year old!  She looked just like herself, only 78 years younger.  Skin clear and pudgy and new, hair soft and blond instead of wiry and white.  I carried her around the hospital trying to find a nurse to see this strange thing that happened.  They were as confused as I was.

I woke up still completely confused and told my husband my dream.  He said "well did you miss the symbolism in your dream?  She was born again!"  ahhh...now it makes sense!  She was a fresh new being.  Maybe God is trying to give me courage to take the plunge and just ask someone...I have someone in mind actually, and I know what the answer to the question will be.  I know this person is not saved, but I honestly don't know how to pursue the conversation.  This person is immersed in some scary stuff right now and the whole family could use prayer.  I've felt a strong calling to this person for over a year now, but I've been...afraid I guess.  I guess it feels confrontational to me to just ask point blank, and confrontational is NOT a word I'd use to describe myself.  I just keep waiting for this person to ask me questions, but maybe that will never happen and I need to be the one to initiate.  Any words of wisdom or encouragement?  You can comment here, or you can email me at hearmenurture (@) gmail (.) com.

Sweet Heaven Babies

My friend at Joy Filled Living is having a blog link-up on miscarriage this week. Go and check it out!



Before I got pregnant with my first child, I was scared to death that I may never actually have children of my own-something I'd wanted my whole life. I was born with hip displasia and my mother told me I had at least two dozen x-rays on my pelvic as a baby and that she figured my eggs were radiated. When I did become pregnant (unexpectedly and out of wed-lock with my soon-to-be-husband) I was ecstatic...literally jumping up and down and screaming with joy. We were not planning on having kids for a few years...technically. I WANTED them right away, but the plan was to wait. My poor sweet fiance was initially much less excited than I was, but he came around in a few days. I hadn't ever really given much thought to miscarriage. I believe that a few years before one of my cousins had suffered one, but it was all very hush-hush, and then a coworker suffered one not long before I got pregnant. It was in the back of mind all the time though, especially with another coworker telling myself and a fellow preggo that if we were overworked or stressed out that our babies could just die *snaps finger* like that. Thank the Lord we made it through the pregnancy just fine and came home with a beautiful, healthy baby boy.
My next pregnancy was completely different. I found out I was pregnant the next time a few days before my period was due and had about a week of elation, then it was all over. Crushed would be a great way to sum up how I felt. And alone. My husband just couldn't mentally or emotionally deal with it between the "wow" of it happening and his schedule (full-time student and full-time working). My son was about 17mo at the time and I had so desperately wanted my kids to be right about 2y apart. With that loss, I knew my hopes were gone for that. I recovered as best as I could emotionally. Physically I felt fine.
A few months later I became pregnant again. I thought surely I would carry to term this time...not many people have two miscarriages in a row right? But when the tests got lighter instead of darker, I knew it was doomed. And a few days later the baby was gone. My husband was more available to me this time and a great support. He fielded questions at church like "when are you going to give your little guy a brother or sister?" with answers like "we're doing our part, just waiting for God's time".
Again a few months later I became pregnant. I made my husband a cake with a Bible verse on it about how children are a blessing from the Lord and had it ready when he got home from school late one night. He didn't understand at first what I meant, but when he figured it out he was so excited! And again, just like before, we had a few days of joy followed by immense sadness. This time, we talked about it. I talked with a friend at church who lost twins, and with another woman who prayed for us. It felt so good to share my suffering with someone who would listen and pray for me. Even still, I felt very sad and bitter. I gave away all of our baby stuff except for a few precious outfits, convinced that my body was indeed broken like my mother had told me. I did find solace in Chris Tomlin's "Not To Us"



When he sings "Your children are dancing, dancing, dancing, yeah! It's all for You!" I immediately "saw" my little ones in Heaven, safe and happy, dancing for their Savior and mine. I realized that they were safe, taken care of, and their life was a purpose that I couldn't understand. But Jesus knows. And I'm honored to be the Mommy of members of a precious army in Heaven.

A few months later again...in total 11 months after the first miscarriage, I became pregnant again. I am a sucker for excitement and just latched on emtotionally and mentally right away. I tried to convince my husband, but he wasn't going to allow himself to become attached until we'd made it through the first few weeks. Everyday until we passed our latest miscarriage date was stress and anxiety filled...but we did. We went for an ultrasound at almost 7w and saw a teeny little baby in there with a beautifully functioning heartbeat. The pregnancy continued and we were greated with a beautiful, STUBBORN and strong-willed little girl.
When our daughter was 1 1/2yo, I became pregnant again. We lost this baby too in the first week of knowing again, but it was very different for me emotionally this time. I thought back to the song and to the knowledge that my babies were safe and blessed to be with Jesus. I surrended myself to Him at that time and decided that if I became pregnant a thousand times but never birthed another live baby, that I would be ok doing His will. Because these babies aren't wastes of time, and they are VERY important to Him. Why would He give us Mommies an immediate emotional tie to them? Why would He have us love them so deeply even though He gave us such a short time to grow them in our bodies? They're special and we'll never forget them, and He'll never forget them...and the party that will maybe thrown when we meet them in Heaven...can you just imagine? Our homecoming and reunion with Jesus and our sweet babies? Fantastic! Can you imagine your babies teaching you about Heaven? I can.

I became pregnant with our 2yo after that miscarriage and I was so surprised that he "stuck", I thought for certain that I would lose a few more babies before getting to keep one. He is as stubborn and strong-willed as his big sister too.

I became pregnant with our youngest baby without having a miscarriage before...I was certain my "lot" was to lose a baby before having another, but God is full of surprises. I know now that if I do lose another baby, that I will be sad, but I will also be so happy for that little one to have skipped the tradgedies of this world and been given entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven right away.

I can't imagine going through miscarriages without knowing WHERE my babies are and WHO they are with. I am so comforted by "Not To Us" and being able to visualize my sweet missed blessings in Heaven. And I can only hope to provide another Momma comfort if she needs it.

Please share if you'd like and link up to my friend's blog. :)

Late Monday/Tuesday post

Media Monday
On Mondays, I will be sharing a bit of media-Bible verse, song, television show, movie, cartoon, news article, blog post, anything media-ish that has inspired, convicted, or encouraged me.

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.



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Transparent Tuesday
On Tuesdays I want to make myself transparent and share something that God has been working on my life, whether it be small (like cleaning my Suburban so I'm not humiliated when I open the door at the grocery store and trash falls out) or big, like submitting to my husband on an issue that needed to be addressed for many years.  You don't have to share this as many of these matters may be very private, but I encourage you to participate privately if you so choose.

Psalm 51:1-4
1)Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.
2)Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
3)For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.
4)Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.



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Gosh I am terrible, forgive me for not getting this done yesterday! My 6mo is teething and has gone from a VERY easy going baby to a very a clingy/cry-y baby...and my 2yo is having a rough week too! He's freshly nursed and she's asleep right now, so let's see if I can get my thoughts out.


I was reading some testimonies on Above Rubies while trying to gain some knowledge on the subject of submission. Check those out, they are so wonderful to read and very convicting. "Please Yourself, You Usually Do" had a huge impact on me. It was two fold...both in my submission to my husband, but also in my leadership over my children. Just like her, I thought I had been doing a great job submitting...let me just pat myself on the back here...but in reality, I was only submitting on the easy things. Things that weren't really a challenge to me anymore. Things that I've been willingly submitting on for years now. But there are some areas in my life that I've been letting excuses rule for far too long. Laundry comes to mind. I'm ashamed to say it, but if you just showed up at my door any given day of the week, you would see a love seat piled HIGH with clean clothes that I haven't put away. Being completely honest here, sometimes I go 2-3 WEEKS...yes weeks, not days, without putting them away. I blame it on busy-ness with 4 kids, a lack of interest in laundry, tiredness, you name it. It's just "not my fault", know what I mean? But my husband is a neat and orderly guy and I know it just drives him absolutely bonkers to look at it all.the.time. The other day he asked me to put them on the floor in the bedroom so he didn't have to look at them all the time anymore. Wow. I've just failed so big right here! So my mission right now is to submit to him in this area and do what he'd really love to see, and get those clean clothes put away in a timely fashion so our living room looks better and we can actually use that love seat.
Now for my secondary thoughts on this testimony...she said she had so robbed her husband of his place of leadership that he was reluctant and slow to take it back up when she'd submitted to him again...I feel like this is exactly what has happened with my children and I. They're just kids and kids just push boundaries and try to negotiate their way out of things...and I've really let them take over a lot of times. I just get so tired of fighting with them and standing firm that it's EASIER to just let them do whatever it is as long as no one gets hurt. But in reading the above testimony, I realized that I am not doing them one bit of good by letting them take over. I'm actually harming them. Now I'm not talking going "Nazi" on them and taking away every freedom or choice. No, I'm just talking about making my "No" a real NO and sticking to it. I've been trying diligently since I read that to impliment this...and I tell you I've already seen a difference! My 4yo especially loves to ask as she's already doing something, and when I say "no", she just continues until she's finished. And just like the woman's husband would say "Please yourself, you usually do" I'd find myself saying "why should I even bother saying no, you'll do it anyway". And boy is that wrong! I'll be honest and say that this week she's not been very fond of the new Mom who stands behind her no, but I know it will only benefit us and in time she'll find security in it. We're going to work on not doing something until asking also so that I can get a chance to actually decide if it's something I'm ok with her doing. I am hoping that this will ease my frustration too when things build up. It's really hard to maintain my cool when I'm being constantly hounded and walked on. But I'm ready to take back my position of leadership and do so graciously but firmly.
Did anyone catch "19 Kids and Counting" last week when Michelle took Josie for her big appointment? Jessa was putting Johannah down for a nap and Johannah kept getting up to plead her case (boy...when we watch Johannah she just reminds us SO much of our 4yo!). Jessa was amazing! So calm and collected and firm in her no. It was really encouraging to see. That's how I want to be.

Media Monday

On Mondays, I will be sharing a bit of media-Bible verse, song, television show, movie, cartoon, news article, blog post, anything media-ish that has inspired, convicted, or encouraged me.

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.



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Monday 7/11/11

I love this song by Joy Williams, Hide.



Lyrics

I first heard this song when I was new to Christianity. I knew that I was forgiven, but I didn't really know what all that meant, and I didn't really understand that Jesus wanted to meet me right where I was, warts and all. I saw these people at church who seemed all put together and figured out. They'd been Christians for a long time, many of them since childhood, and I felt like I couldn't be "holy" like them. We'd just gotten married AFTER getting pregnant, I'd spent many years as an outspoken athiest...I didn't feel like I would ever be good enough. I knew that Jesus would forgive me, but it just didn't connect fully. This song helped me.

"And if you feel like no one understands
Come to the One with scars on His hands
'Cause He knows where you are, where you've been
His scars will heal you if you let Him."

Just wow. Obviously I'm not saying trust everything you hear in a song, but use it as a launch-point for diving into your Bible and finding the truth.

Hebrews 10:22
Let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.

So come with me, if you're scared or unsure. Crack open that Bible and look for some love verses.

Romans 5:8
But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

Wow, it's hard to believe that someone would die for me, ME, while I hated Him. And He died for you too, whether you've loved him since your earliest memories, or if you aren't sure right now. He loves YOU.

I John 4:19
We love, because He first loved us.

John 3
16)For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. 17)For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him. 18)He who believes in Him is not judged; he who does not believe has been judged already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.

"He who believes in Him is not judged"...again, just wow! I get this "free" pass. All because Jesus loves ME. No more hiding, no more wondering if I'm good enough. No more thinking others deserve it more than me or that others are better than me. Jesus picked them, but He picked me too! And He wants you too. He wants to share His never-ending, knowledge-surpassing, all-encompassing, hurt-healing love with you.

Monday Blog Link-Up at Joy Filled Living

10 Thanks July

10 Thanks
On the 10th of each month, I plan on sharing 10 things I'm thankful for.  Big or little, new or old.

Psalm 28:7
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped;
Therefore my heart exults,
And with my song I shall thank Him.



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For some reason Simply-Linked isn't working for me right now, so leave your blog link in the comments please. :)



July
1) I am thankful for the servant's heart that my 4yo daughter is growing. this morning she told me that if I wanted to sleep in next weekend that she would get up with her 2yo brother and watch him.

2) I am thankful for my A-MAZ-ING husband. God has blessed me more than I could ever have imagined with just my husband. Wow. He's incredible...possibly one of his most useful talents is his ability to talk me down from crazy (which I will talk more about on Transparent Tuesday ). He's so wise and so rational.

3) I am thankful for the opportunity to be a mother. I was told by my own mother that my chances to be a mother might be lessened from dozens of pelvic x-rays as a child. I don't know if it's true or not, but it sure did worry me.

4) I am thankful for chocolate and coffee. Silly I know, but it's a way to connect with my husband, he loves them both. I love just sitting with him and eating some chocolate-something and drinking our coffee together.

5) I am thankful for some truly awesome friends. I'm not the best at being a friend. I'm a complete and total introvert, but when we get together, it doesn't seem to matter and we can talk all day.

6) I am thankful for the area I live in. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am home. It's just a great place to live, safe, big enough, but plenty of country in and around the city too.

7) I am thankful for the internet. I can remember life without it (we didn't have internet until I was maybe 14 or 15) but I can't imagine life without the opportunities it gives me to learn now, especially as a mother and I need to be able to quickly research something.

8) I am thankful for pencils. I hate writing in pen. I NEED to be able to erase things. I'm also thankful that I'm not still in english class in 10th and 11th grade when my teachers required me to write in pen. Oh the nights spent up late re-writing an assignment because I made a mistake at the bottom of the back of a page and couldn't stand the site of the "X" through it.

9) I am thankful for my Bible. It's a MacArthur Study Bible (NASB). I've learned a ton from it. I also have a Life Application Study Bible (NIV) and a Women of Faith Bible (NLT) that I loved too.

10) I am thankful for my Jesus, who loves me no matter how awful I am, or self-loathing, or prideful. I love Him because He first loved me and I am thankful that I get to spend ALL eternity in His gracious care.

Transparent Tuesday

Transparent Tuesday
On Tuesdays I want to make myself transparent and share something that God has been working on my life, whether it be small (like cleaning my Suburban so I'm not humiliated when I open the door at the grocery store and trash falls out) or big, like submitting to my husband on an issue that needed to be addressed for many years.  You don't have to share this as many of these matters may be very private, but I encourage you to participate privately if you so choose.

Psalm 51:1-4
1)Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.
2)Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
3)For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.
4)Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.



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So this is probably going to be a HUGE shock to some people that know me, but I think if we are blessed with another baby, we are going to seek a midwife to assist the birth. I've had one hospital birth (hated it, just felt like I was treated like a child and there was Z.E.R.O. support for my desire to go natural, not to mention they knowingly risked mine and my baby's health and safety for the sake of "timely" delivery) and three unassisted births. I loved my 3 u/c's, especially the first one. Minus my mother's presence for the last 20 minutes of it, it was picture perfect. My husband was serene (on the outside) and so supportive, even when I went bonkers and told him I wanted an epidural right before the baby came. Our second u/c was harder (3 days of labor, and a hard transition period thanks to a posterior baby with hands in his face) and I freaked out and cried and told him that I wanted a c-section because the baby was never coming. It really took a toll on my husband and I didn't want to face that. It was scary for him to see me like that and to have to decide if I was asking for a c-section because I thought something was wrong or if I was just labor-crazy. Looking back now, I can only imagine how much stress he was feeling. For our third u/c, I thought the solution to stressing my husband out would be for me to labor alone. My water broke (trickled all day really, no big gushes) first thing in the morning and I kind of laid around all day, not wanting to cause painful contractions if the baby wasn't ready to come out. That night, we went to bed around 11 and he decided to sleep on the couch, thinking that both of us would sleep better that way. Around 1:30/2 in the morning I got up and told him it was starting and that if he'd help me get my labor area set up that I'd wake him up when I needed him. Around 5:00 I started to have to really work through the contractions, and my 4yo was awake with me. About 5:30 my 2yo woke up and I decided that it was time to get Daddy up. I told him I was going to take a shower (hate baths) because it was really painful but I was only 5-6cm and I thought it was going to be a while. I tried to put on a brave face in front of him and to keep the noise down, but I was really struggling. I kept begging God to let me be done with the whole thing. Instead of relaxing between contractions I would tense up because it just meant another one was coming and I felt like they weren't going anywhere. I definitely could have used his presence, but I didn't want to scare him. Eventually I decided to test push and called him when I found that was making progress. He caught our sweet baby girl, but I knew that the whole situation really wore on him again.
We were talking recently about what the future holds for our family. I'd love to have as many more as God will allow, in His time (we don't prevent or encourage conception-we felt a very strong calling not to "try to conceive" back when we were miscarrying left and right before God gave us our 4yo), but I know that the thought really stresses out my husband. He confided in me more bluntly than usual (he really has been sweet about it, but I needed it spelled out for me) that a part of his hesitation is the giving birth part. It's scary, and so stressful for him to be THE responsible person if something goes wrong. And now I see it, FINALLY. I see what I've asked of my husband all these years, and it really wasn't fair. It's not that we both don't have faith in the Lord for our health and safety, and we know without a doubt that our decision to u/c has been right so far, but now, it's time to bring someone else in because it's not all about ME. It's about US, and if one of us is uneasy, then it's not right for the other one to force it. And I'm sorry.
Part of my reason for really liking u/c was my childhood abuse by my mother. I grew up basically unable to trust women older than me because I couldn't trust my mother not to wound me deeply. But maybe this is part of my growth and recovery now. I will HAVE to open up to another woman now and put some trust in her. I will have to be vulnerable to her. The neat thing is that I get to interview and pick someone who I think will fit me. Obviously I won't pick someone that will try to control me or reminds me of my mother. There are other types of women out there and I am sure that God has an amazing experience planned for me. For us. And for the first time in a long time maybe my husband will be able to relax and enjoy being a Daddy and husband during/after labor instead of worrying if something is wrong and if he'll be able to diagnose and act quickly enough. Poor guy.
So I'm hanging up my unassited birth hat. I don't feel like I'm being forced into anything, and I don't have the "but it's my body" attitude. It's a subtle submission. He probably never would have asked me to have a midwife, but I'm so glad that it's finally clear to me how much he'd like to have someone here. And I'm happy to submit on this one.

Daily Themes

I want to start doing some daily themes here.  I want to encourage others, and I want to learn from others also!  Feel free to grab a button and link back to me when you participate.


Media Monday
On Mondays, I will be sharing a bit of media-Bible verse, song, television show, movie, cartoon, news article, blog post, anything media-ish that has inspired, convicted, or encouraged me.

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.



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Transparent Tuesday
On Tuesdays I want to make myself transparent and share something that God has been working on my life, whether it be small (like cleaning my Suburban so I'm not humiliated when I open the door at the grocery store and trash falls out) or big, like submitting to my husband on an issue that needed to be addressed for many years.  You don't have to share this as many of these matters may be very private, but I encourage you to participate privately if you so choose.

Psalm 51:1-4
1)Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.
2)Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
3)For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.
4)Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.



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F is for Friday
Friday is basically a free for all.  I plan on posting about things like Food, Fitness, Family, Fun, Festivities, etc.  It doesn't have to be about "F" things, but look forward to me doing my best to make (ridiculous) links to the letter F.

Proverbs 17:22
A joyful heart is good medicine.



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Service Saturday
Saturdays I'd like to talk about ways that we can serve our families (as a whole, or an individual), our communities, and our God.  Or about ways that someone has blessed us!  Please be mindful that this doesn't become an opportunity to boast.  I want this to be us sharing ideas so that others may bless their family/community/God in similar ways.

John 12:26
If anyone serves Me, he must follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also; if anyone serves Me, the Father will honor him.



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10 Thanks
On the 10th of each month, I plan on sharing 10 things I'm thankful for.  Big or little, new or old.

Psalm 28:7
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped;
Therefore my heart exults,
And with my song I shall thank Him.



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20 Questions
On the 20th of each month, I'd like to post those questions we have for God, like "Why did You pick blue for the sky?"...I'm sure the kiddos in many of our lives will inspire many questions.

Habakkuk 3:3(b)
His splendor covers the heavens,
And the earth is full of His praise.



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A Little Conviction

My husband was just holding the baby when the Little Guy came up and bashed right into him.  I was thinking of my own reaction to this happening MANY many many times.  I usually react in anger and make the Little Guy move away from me.  I'm always telling him "gentle, Mommy likes nice touches".  My husband's reaction just convicted me though.  He said "sometimes 'rough' is all I get with Little Guy".  The way he said it was like it was a privilege to be assaulted by our very rough and tumble Little Guy.  Wow.  All this time I've been treating it like something that should only happen at certain times (like tickle-wrestle time), and here my husband was treasuring it.  You know the saying "there is no 'I' in team"?  I'm always saying "there is no 'gentle' in Little Guy".  And there isn't really.  He WILL hug, and he will kiss, but it's usually accompanied with a body blow or tackle of some sort immediately before or after...or he uses my hair or skin to pull me toward him.  And you know what, that's ok.  I'm going to adopt my husband's attitude (with God's help because it really does trigger an angry response from me when he hurts me oftentimes) and treasure my little guy and the way that HE needs to love.

Stress, shingles and garlic

I had shingles in the fall of 2008 while pregnant with my 2yo.  It was not fun.  I got it from being OVERLY, extremely, "oh-my-gosh-the-world-is-ending" stressed about the presidential election.  My parents had gotten so head-over-heels into prepping and "end-of-the-worldness" (not saying they ALWAYS go together, I think responsible/reasonable "prepping" is great) and were CONSTANTLY talking about how if the election went a certain way that we'd need to move to the mountains and burn our vehicles and live out our last days hiding from the government and how I'd have to learn how to perform surgery and do stitches, on and on.  Here I was, just turning 26 (figured out it was shingles the morning of my birthday), having the absolute time of my life.  I was married to an amazing guy, had 2 beautiful kids and another precious blessing on the way, we had started homeschooling, work was going great for my husband, we'd just moved to a bigger apartment less than a year before, got the vehicle of my dreams (older and it just about fell from Heaven the way all the details worked out)...everything was so great and here my parents were telling me day in and day out that I was going to have to take my kids to the mountains and raise them in seclusion (seriously, they talked about how they'd shoot anyone who got too close to our dwelling)...in this life my parents were painting, my kids would never get to experience love, they'd be hermits and have no idea how to be around anyone outside our family.  Unlike my husband, I daydream about my children courting and marrying.  I'm out of this world EXCITED and ECSTATIC that they might find someone to love as much as I love their dad.  Giddy.  But my parents were completely dashing that dream.  I couldn't even pick a homeschool curriculum because anything that required computers or library access would be out because we'd be in the middle of the forest, secluded, for the next 10+ years according to their plan.  Thinking about it now it makes me sick the lack of faith they had and the effect it had on me.  How did I fall for it all?  I was absolutely sick with worry and scared out of my mind.  I know I drove my friend crazy talking about it.  I'm so thankful that eventually she told me that she couldn't be a part of the conversation anymore because it was worrisome and overwhelming...it gave me courage to eventually say the same thing to my parents. 

My "reward" for all the stress...shingles.  It all started with some severe pain in a small spot just to the right of my spine at about my bra line.  It was terrible.  I'd check it once an hour (or more) fully expecting to see a deep purple bruise.  I was certain I had to have backed into something and not remembered (which is easy for me to do, I'm constantly noticing new bruises and am left wondering how on earth I got them).  No bruise ever came and eventually little blisters did.  The morning of my birthday I spent hours researching rashes and blisters and all sorts of scary things and came to shingles.  It fit.  I sent a picture to my friend and her wonderful in-laws confirmed it.  I decided at that point to treat it holistically.  I was probably already beyond the time limit for antibiotics (which we try to use only as a LAST resort) and found that garlic would be great.  So I took a ton of garlic and endured the pain for days.  I found too that apple cider vinegar was great for the itchies.  I thought for sure it would burn, so I took my sweet time trying it out, but it didn't.  It cooled and eased the itchy sensation.  Wonderful!  My husband noticed a second patch of blisters starting to surface after several days, but the garlic knocked it out!  Amazing.  They never fully came up.  I did end up with some nasty scars, but that's ok.  At least they're on my back.

Fast forward now, 2 1/2 years later and here I find myself with that all too familiar intense pain on my back.  This time it's on my left shoulder blade near my arm and also on my left front about where the hooks of my nursing bra hit.  I noticed the pain late yesterday and within a few hours checked the mirror and saw nothing, so I cut up a garlic clove.  I used softgels last time, but I have none right now and I wanted to get started on some right away.  Plus my friend has told me MANY times how much more effective plain old garlic is.  I just have to cut the clove up very small or I choke (so pathetic!).  I took 3/4 of a clove last night (my 4yo daughter beat me to the last 1/4 and chewed it up excitedly!) and 3/4 of a clove this morning and would you believe me if I said the pain was MORE intense this morning than last night, but it is LESS intense this evening?  I don't know if I'm out of the woods yet or if I'll end up with some blisters, but this sure seems promising!  Thank you to my sweet friends who are praying for me, and to Jesus for being the ultimate healer.

And the reason for the stress this time?  I think it's sleep.  I've never been a sleep fan, always had a hard time falling asleep, and I just operate on less than most people.  But as a mommy to 4 kids I am tired a lot and I do cherish those 6ish hours each night.  I've been struggling lately though.  My 2 yo is still in bed with me (and that means no room for my husband who has made a huge sacrifice and slept on the couch since the night my labor started with our 5mo) and he likes to kick a lot and put his arms under me.  I don't want to hurt him, so I'm always waking up and pushing him back to his side, and I also don't want him to hurt the baby-or for her to roll off the bed while she's on the other side, so I sleep with my arm around her.  My hair is also driving me crazy at night too.  I roll on it and it gets pulled and wakes me up, or I'm afraid that it's on the baby and I wake up to move it.  I'd wear it up, but my scalp is so darn sensitive that that would just give me a perma-headache, plus I have dread locks and it's important that they have time to breathe so they don't get yucky.  Then there is my poor bladder that has been so abused by 4 successful pregnancies-especially the 3rd.  He just really nailed my bladder for some reason and it's never recovered...so I'm up several times a night to go potty.  And of course then I have to think about my 4yo who sleeps perpendicular to my bed...well, at least that is where her mattress is, she is usually on the floor next to it, and I've almost stepped ON her head several times.  And then there is my 7yo who sleeps perpendicular to the 4yo and his allergies.  He snorts and sniffles and coughs several times a night, which also wakes me.  But this is all important stuff that is non-negotiable as far as I'm concerned.  I'm not going to boot the baby and the 2yo from my bed (though I'd be lying if I said I wasn't longing for the day that the 2yo is ready for his own bed...we've tried and he wakes up and cries for me until I let him back in bed with me), and I'm not going to boot the 4yo and 7yo from my room either.  The hair, I could always cut I suppose, but I've worked SO long to grow it out, I'd be really sad, and so would my 4yo who says that girls should have long hair.  So I need to find another way to deal with this stress, obviously.  I'm going to start reading my Bible in bed (well, ok, I'll be reading on my phone on biblegateway.com) and praying more.  I know that I can still be aware of all this stuff without letting it stress me out so badly.

Time to get my nurture on

Mondays...Mondays really have been hard lately and I don't know why.  They never used to bother me, but for whatever reason, I've realized over the last several weeks that I'm mega grumpy on Mondays.  I know my awesome husband has been praying extra for me on Mondays, and I'm so appreciative.  I think it's partly due to being with Daddy all weekend and all of us missing him when he goes back to work. 

This Monday wasn't too bad until the afternoon, and then it was just...blah.  I let it get the best of me and broke a promise to myself and didn't get the living room picked up before my husband came home from work.  My husband's job is loud and messy, and he's let me know that it's really hard to relax on his time off when the house is the same (or worse...which is very possible with several small children and a wife who struggles with the housekeeping part of being a sahm).  I have been trying to get the living room picked up before he gets home for the past few months to bless him and serve him, but Monday I didn't even try.  I just felt blah and I let it dictate my afternoon and his evening.  At bedtime, as he kicked a toy he'd just stepped on, he vented his frustration a little to me.  I failed him and I was sorry. 

Tuesday I did a much better job picking up, but Tuesday was Monday 2.0 in its own way.  Tuesday my patience appeared to be on vacation.  According to my 7 year old's dictionary, patience is "the ability to remain calm when dealing with a difficult or annoying situation, task, or person".  My 2 year old was deep into the "Terrible Two's" yesterday.  He kept hitting and laying on his older sister and me, and tried to crawl on his baby sister.  He was pushing all my buttons and he was unrelenting in it.  As much as I tried, I couldn't channel Michelle Duggar (bless her for sharing her whisper instead of yell tip...if I could just manage to successfully incorporate that).  I *should* have taken a time out, put my little guy in bed, and gone to pray, but I didn't.  Let's just say it's a wonder that I'm not hoarse today.  Not my proudest afternoon for sure.

Today is Wednesday.  It's a new day.  It's a chance to make reparations for the wrongs I've done.  It's a day to nurture.  Obviously, I plan on having the living room picked up for my awesome husband when he gets home...and hopefully the dishes too.  Everything else is pretty tidy right now.  I also plan to serve him in whatever way he needs or asks for this evening.  For the baby, there will all the usual cuddles and carrier time and some floor time play.  For my 2 year old, I've promised to go and play Thomas just as soon as I finish up here.  I also plan to tickle wrestle with him later.  When he gets rough, it seems to be his way of showing that he just needs some rough love and boyish affection, and I completely disregarded that yesterday.  He loves to just go in the bedroom on our bed and snuggle, wrestle, and tickle.  So we'll do that this afternoon sometime, probably when he starts getting grumpy and tired.  For my 4 year old, we're going to do dishes together-her new favorite way to "help" and sew some headband/scarves this afternoon.  Maybe we'll color together too.  Quality/quantity time and affection seem to be a big need for her, and I'm not good at filling it everyday.  This is an area I NEED to improve.  For my 7 year old, I plan on writing a "love" note.  He feels really special when he finds them and usually carries them around for a while or puts them on his shelf.  I also plan to ask him more about his latest Lego creation and maybe we'll read a book together later too.

I love my family and I definitely haven't done a very good job showing it this week so far.  But we are renewed each morning and I'm going to take it.  All too often in our society when we have a rough day, we're told to take a day off and focus on ourselves, do something nice for ourselves, but I'm going to focus on service today, and I KNOW I'll feel better.  I'll feel fulfilled, satisfied, renewed.

"22)The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
23)They are new every morning,
Great is Your faithfulness.
24)'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul,
'Therefore I have hope in Him'"
Lamentations 3:22-24

Yay, I'm making a healthy choice!

Yesterday I stayed out of service at church because I had a rough morning getting to church and I was late and decided not to try and find a seat somewhere.  I sat in the lobby and it actually turned out really well.  I had been wanting to talk to one of the children's pastors for a while since she is the person we're closest to at church.  She's really sweet and makes us feel so welcome, and she just baptised our 7 year old a week ago.  I also got to talk to the other children's pastor as she was walking around checking up on things.  I haven't really spent much time talking to her before and we got on the subject of my parents.  "V", the first pastor knows about my family,  but "D" doesn't.  I told her just a little about my parents, that there was emotional, mental, and verbal abuse growing up, plus some sexual abuse from my mother.  I told her how my parents hate other races and would constantly talk about black people and illegal immigrants like they aren't people and shouldn't be respected.  I explained that we tried talking to them about the matter and how we didn't want our children to grow up being taught that kind of attitude.  We make sure that our children know that ALL people are created in God's image, no matter how different we look, and that God thinks all of us are beautiful.  But my parents would have none of it.  So we took a step back out of the relationship (after asking them to go to counseling, neither of them had peachy childhoods either).  I am always anxious when talking to someone from church about it...certain that someone will tell me "well, forgive and forget"...basically "let them walk on you and treat you however they want, you know, 'honor thy father and mother'" even though I know that isn't what I should be doing.  But she didn't say any of that.  She said "well, that sounds really healthy!".  Wow.  It's so nice to have confirmation in that from someone who has spent a great deal of time studying God's word.  I DO have to take a step back and protect myself and my children.  I don't want them growing up seeing their mom be a footstool or doormat, and I certainly don't want them growing up thinking it's ok for them to be a footstool or doormat either.  I also don't want them growing up hearing the way that my parents and brother talk about different people.  God made us all equal, not one of us is elevated above the other.  If someday my parents take steps to get better mentally, then we'll see what happens, but until then, I'm going to keep protecting my family.  It's just so nice to hear that it's healthy.

What a neat resource!

Faith on the Go

I got this on my Facebook feed a few days ago and I love these ideas!  We've only done one thing so far, but we're definitely going to be doing many of these.  We talked about the word patience (from #1) and the older two kids drew pictures that showed patience.  My daughter drew a picture of herself "patiently" waiting for a carrot and then wrote the word "patience" as I spelled it for her.  My son drew a picture of Thomas the train "patiently" waiting to cross a signal, and then wrote a sentence describing it.  While they did that, I held the sleeping baby and drew whatever letter my 2 year old asked me to draw.  We've been trying to talk about patience ever since, and I need to get some Bible verses for reference for them.  I think today while we run errands I'll talk to them about #11 too!  Have you done any of the activities from this?  I'd love to hear about it.

Just a little (a lot?) about me.

Welcome to my new blog! 

My name is Jennifer.  I'm a 28yo SAHM (stay-at-home-mom).  I have a wonderful husband (10 years together, 8 years married!).  He's just amazing...I don't know how to describe his awesomeness really.  But I think he should teach classes on how to be a husband because he bats it out of the park!  I'm so blessed.  We have 4 kids, a son who is almost 8, a daughter who is almost 5, a 2 1/2 year old son, and a new(ish) baby girl who is 5 months old.  We've also been through 4 miscarriages and we know that our babies are in Heaven rejoicing with Jesus.  We long for the day that we get to meet them, and so do our children.  They find it pretty exciting that they've got brothers and/or sisters in Heaven already.
I wasn't raised a Christian.  Much the opposite in fact.  We went to church occasionally as a kid to a strict church-strict but lax at the same time.  Ritual-y I guess.  I don't ever remember learning that the KEY to our salvation, our only ticket to Heaven, is a relationship with Jesus Christ, our one and only Savior.  Maybe I missed it when they talked about it.  By highschool, I had completely abandoned any thoughts of a God for this world.  I was a vegetarian (fine for some, but it created some idol worship issues for me) and I would literally read my Bible (my aunt sent me a new one every few years) and rant and rave about the animal sacrifices.  It was a huge wedge preventing a relationship with Jesus for me.  A year into our relationship, my future husband and I were talking one day when I got word that a friend of mine had decided to be an athiest like me.  I felt victorious, like I'd won someone over finally.  I was really excited and told him so.  The way he looked at me cut completely through me.  I knew then that I had a real chance to lose him.  I was terrified, he was the BEST thing that had happened to me.  For the first time in my life, I was willing to listen to the truth about Jesus, and I did.  He witnessed, and I confessed.  It was like a veil was lifted from my eyes and I could finally see the TRUTH.  I had been witnessed to so many times before, but it fell on deaf ears.  I wasn't interested.  I wish I could say that getting saved changed my life immediately, but it was a slow journey.  I was locked into some really scary OCD/fear/anxiety issues at that time, but with the Lord's help I really worked through them and gave up a lot of my issues.  It's always awesome to improve your mental health, and I was so grateful.
My awesome guy and I grew closer together, and we got married a little over a year after that.  Unfortnuately, like I said, we weren't closely following the Lord and didn't experience an immediate transformation into...perfection (but who does?) and we conceived our oldest child 4 1/2 months before the wedding.  It's always *fun* when people figure that out, so it's just best to throw it out there and avoid the looks while they try to count out the months.  It's a blessing in disguise I suppose because it gives us a "hey, we did this and we want BETTER for your lives" conversation starter for when it comes time to talk the talk with the kids.
Besides being picked by this amazing guy to share his life and love forever, being a mom is the best thing ever!  These kids teach me lessons on a daily basis, and being a parent has taught me so much about Jesus and how He cares for us.  We made the decision right away that I would be a SAHM and have been so blessed in that respect.  It was extremely tight for the first few years...I can still hear those pennies squeal, but it was so worth it.  We're just now getting the ball rolling on buying a house in the next year or so.  Our vehicles are both almost 20 years old, but that's all worth it to me!  I've not missed out on any of my kids' firsts...it's a worthy trade-off for sure.

I wanted to make this blog because I guess I've had it "up to here" with how relationships are portrayed on tv and movies and all over.  Men are constantly beaten up by their "ball-busting" wives, disrespected, put down, and treated like idiots.  Women "wear the pants" in the family and are in charge of everything.  They can "take care of themselves" and don't need a man to help them with anything.  They seem to almost always work through their mothering years, putting their kids in daycare or hiring a nanny, I know that's exactly what happened in my house growing up.  I just don't feel like the rest of us, those of us who submit willingly and lovingly to our husbands and who willingly and lovingly stay home to raise our kids ourselves are being represented.  I want to encourage the women out there who aren't sure and reaffirm the women out there who already live this lifestyle.  It can be lonely sometimes when everyone around you looks down on your family for living the "old-fashioned" way.

Please don't take me the wrong way and think that I'm going to be preaching at you from my pedestal.  I am so far from perfect, it's not even funny (though I do wonder if sometimes in my stupidity if I make God laugh).  It's a journey...one that we can't finish until Jesus comes to take us all.  We'll never be perfect here in this life, but that doesn't mean that we can't make a conscious effort to try our hardest everyday.  Even if all we've done is wrong and awful all day (any other moms feel like that sometimes?  Raise your hand if you struggle with yelling or being too hard or soft on your kids), we can still do some good.  If your kids are in bed, write them a love note (or draw a picture for the non-readers) and leave it where they can find it in the morning.  Apologize as soon as you can and use the opportunity to talk about how we are all imperfect sinners and that Jesus loves us anyway.  I hope that this blog will be encouragement to someone.