Late Monday/Tuesday post

Media Monday
On Mondays, I will be sharing a bit of media-Bible verse, song, television show, movie, cartoon, news article, blog post, anything media-ish that has inspired, convicted, or encouraged me.

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.



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Transparent Tuesday
On Tuesdays I want to make myself transparent and share something that God has been working on my life, whether it be small (like cleaning my Suburban so I'm not humiliated when I open the door at the grocery store and trash falls out) or big, like submitting to my husband on an issue that needed to be addressed for many years.  You don't have to share this as many of these matters may be very private, but I encourage you to participate privately if you so choose.

Psalm 51:1-4
1)Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.
2)Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
3)For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.
4)Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.



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Gosh I am terrible, forgive me for not getting this done yesterday! My 6mo is teething and has gone from a VERY easy going baby to a very a clingy/cry-y baby...and my 2yo is having a rough week too! He's freshly nursed and she's asleep right now, so let's see if I can get my thoughts out.


I was reading some testimonies on Above Rubies while trying to gain some knowledge on the subject of submission. Check those out, they are so wonderful to read and very convicting. "Please Yourself, You Usually Do" had a huge impact on me. It was two fold...both in my submission to my husband, but also in my leadership over my children. Just like her, I thought I had been doing a great job submitting...let me just pat myself on the back here...but in reality, I was only submitting on the easy things. Things that weren't really a challenge to me anymore. Things that I've been willingly submitting on for years now. But there are some areas in my life that I've been letting excuses rule for far too long. Laundry comes to mind. I'm ashamed to say it, but if you just showed up at my door any given day of the week, you would see a love seat piled HIGH with clean clothes that I haven't put away. Being completely honest here, sometimes I go 2-3 WEEKS...yes weeks, not days, without putting them away. I blame it on busy-ness with 4 kids, a lack of interest in laundry, tiredness, you name it. It's just "not my fault", know what I mean? But my husband is a neat and orderly guy and I know it just drives him absolutely bonkers to look at it all.the.time. The other day he asked me to put them on the floor in the bedroom so he didn't have to look at them all the time anymore. Wow. I've just failed so big right here! So my mission right now is to submit to him in this area and do what he'd really love to see, and get those clean clothes put away in a timely fashion so our living room looks better and we can actually use that love seat.
Now for my secondary thoughts on this testimony...she said she had so robbed her husband of his place of leadership that he was reluctant and slow to take it back up when she'd submitted to him again...I feel like this is exactly what has happened with my children and I. They're just kids and kids just push boundaries and try to negotiate their way out of things...and I've really let them take over a lot of times. I just get so tired of fighting with them and standing firm that it's EASIER to just let them do whatever it is as long as no one gets hurt. But in reading the above testimony, I realized that I am not doing them one bit of good by letting them take over. I'm actually harming them. Now I'm not talking going "Nazi" on them and taking away every freedom or choice. No, I'm just talking about making my "No" a real NO and sticking to it. I've been trying diligently since I read that to impliment this...and I tell you I've already seen a difference! My 4yo especially loves to ask as she's already doing something, and when I say "no", she just continues until she's finished. And just like the woman's husband would say "Please yourself, you usually do" I'd find myself saying "why should I even bother saying no, you'll do it anyway". And boy is that wrong! I'll be honest and say that this week she's not been very fond of the new Mom who stands behind her no, but I know it will only benefit us and in time she'll find security in it. We're going to work on not doing something until asking also so that I can get a chance to actually decide if it's something I'm ok with her doing. I am hoping that this will ease my frustration too when things build up. It's really hard to maintain my cool when I'm being constantly hounded and walked on. But I'm ready to take back my position of leadership and do so graciously but firmly.
Did anyone catch "19 Kids and Counting" last week when Michelle took Josie for her big appointment? Jessa was putting Johannah down for a nap and Johannah kept getting up to plead her case (boy...when we watch Johannah she just reminds us SO much of our 4yo!). Jessa was amazing! So calm and collected and firm in her no. It was really encouraging to see. That's how I want to be.

Transparent Tuesday

Transparent Tuesday
On Tuesdays I want to make myself transparent and share something that God has been working on my life, whether it be small (like cleaning my Suburban so I'm not humiliated when I open the door at the grocery store and trash falls out) or big, like submitting to my husband on an issue that needed to be addressed for many years.  You don't have to share this as many of these matters may be very private, but I encourage you to participate privately if you so choose.

Psalm 51:1-4
1)Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.
2)Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
3)For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.
4)Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.



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So this is probably going to be a HUGE shock to some people that know me, but I think if we are blessed with another baby, we are going to seek a midwife to assist the birth. I've had one hospital birth (hated it, just felt like I was treated like a child and there was Z.E.R.O. support for my desire to go natural, not to mention they knowingly risked mine and my baby's health and safety for the sake of "timely" delivery) and three unassisted births. I loved my 3 u/c's, especially the first one. Minus my mother's presence for the last 20 minutes of it, it was picture perfect. My husband was serene (on the outside) and so supportive, even when I went bonkers and told him I wanted an epidural right before the baby came. Our second u/c was harder (3 days of labor, and a hard transition period thanks to a posterior baby with hands in his face) and I freaked out and cried and told him that I wanted a c-section because the baby was never coming. It really took a toll on my husband and I didn't want to face that. It was scary for him to see me like that and to have to decide if I was asking for a c-section because I thought something was wrong or if I was just labor-crazy. Looking back now, I can only imagine how much stress he was feeling. For our third u/c, I thought the solution to stressing my husband out would be for me to labor alone. My water broke (trickled all day really, no big gushes) first thing in the morning and I kind of laid around all day, not wanting to cause painful contractions if the baby wasn't ready to come out. That night, we went to bed around 11 and he decided to sleep on the couch, thinking that both of us would sleep better that way. Around 1:30/2 in the morning I got up and told him it was starting and that if he'd help me get my labor area set up that I'd wake him up when I needed him. Around 5:00 I started to have to really work through the contractions, and my 4yo was awake with me. About 5:30 my 2yo woke up and I decided that it was time to get Daddy up. I told him I was going to take a shower (hate baths) because it was really painful but I was only 5-6cm and I thought it was going to be a while. I tried to put on a brave face in front of him and to keep the noise down, but I was really struggling. I kept begging God to let me be done with the whole thing. Instead of relaxing between contractions I would tense up because it just meant another one was coming and I felt like they weren't going anywhere. I definitely could have used his presence, but I didn't want to scare him. Eventually I decided to test push and called him when I found that was making progress. He caught our sweet baby girl, but I knew that the whole situation really wore on him again.
We were talking recently about what the future holds for our family. I'd love to have as many more as God will allow, in His time (we don't prevent or encourage conception-we felt a very strong calling not to "try to conceive" back when we were miscarrying left and right before God gave us our 4yo), but I know that the thought really stresses out my husband. He confided in me more bluntly than usual (he really has been sweet about it, but I needed it spelled out for me) that a part of his hesitation is the giving birth part. It's scary, and so stressful for him to be THE responsible person if something goes wrong. And now I see it, FINALLY. I see what I've asked of my husband all these years, and it really wasn't fair. It's not that we both don't have faith in the Lord for our health and safety, and we know without a doubt that our decision to u/c has been right so far, but now, it's time to bring someone else in because it's not all about ME. It's about US, and if one of us is uneasy, then it's not right for the other one to force it. And I'm sorry.
Part of my reason for really liking u/c was my childhood abuse by my mother. I grew up basically unable to trust women older than me because I couldn't trust my mother not to wound me deeply. But maybe this is part of my growth and recovery now. I will HAVE to open up to another woman now and put some trust in her. I will have to be vulnerable to her. The neat thing is that I get to interview and pick someone who I think will fit me. Obviously I won't pick someone that will try to control me or reminds me of my mother. There are other types of women out there and I am sure that God has an amazing experience planned for me. For us. And for the first time in a long time maybe my husband will be able to relax and enjoy being a Daddy and husband during/after labor instead of worrying if something is wrong and if he'll be able to diagnose and act quickly enough. Poor guy.
So I'm hanging up my unassited birth hat. I don't feel like I'm being forced into anything, and I don't have the "but it's my body" attitude. It's a subtle submission. He probably never would have asked me to have a midwife, but I'm so glad that it's finally clear to me how much he'd like to have someone here. And I'm happy to submit on this one.

Stress, shingles and garlic

I had shingles in the fall of 2008 while pregnant with my 2yo.  It was not fun.  I got it from being OVERLY, extremely, "oh-my-gosh-the-world-is-ending" stressed about the presidential election.  My parents had gotten so head-over-heels into prepping and "end-of-the-worldness" (not saying they ALWAYS go together, I think responsible/reasonable "prepping" is great) and were CONSTANTLY talking about how if the election went a certain way that we'd need to move to the mountains and burn our vehicles and live out our last days hiding from the government and how I'd have to learn how to perform surgery and do stitches, on and on.  Here I was, just turning 26 (figured out it was shingles the morning of my birthday), having the absolute time of my life.  I was married to an amazing guy, had 2 beautiful kids and another precious blessing on the way, we had started homeschooling, work was going great for my husband, we'd just moved to a bigger apartment less than a year before, got the vehicle of my dreams (older and it just about fell from Heaven the way all the details worked out)...everything was so great and here my parents were telling me day in and day out that I was going to have to take my kids to the mountains and raise them in seclusion (seriously, they talked about how they'd shoot anyone who got too close to our dwelling)...in this life my parents were painting, my kids would never get to experience love, they'd be hermits and have no idea how to be around anyone outside our family.  Unlike my husband, I daydream about my children courting and marrying.  I'm out of this world EXCITED and ECSTATIC that they might find someone to love as much as I love their dad.  Giddy.  But my parents were completely dashing that dream.  I couldn't even pick a homeschool curriculum because anything that required computers or library access would be out because we'd be in the middle of the forest, secluded, for the next 10+ years according to their plan.  Thinking about it now it makes me sick the lack of faith they had and the effect it had on me.  How did I fall for it all?  I was absolutely sick with worry and scared out of my mind.  I know I drove my friend crazy talking about it.  I'm so thankful that eventually she told me that she couldn't be a part of the conversation anymore because it was worrisome and overwhelming...it gave me courage to eventually say the same thing to my parents. 

My "reward" for all the stress...shingles.  It all started with some severe pain in a small spot just to the right of my spine at about my bra line.  It was terrible.  I'd check it once an hour (or more) fully expecting to see a deep purple bruise.  I was certain I had to have backed into something and not remembered (which is easy for me to do, I'm constantly noticing new bruises and am left wondering how on earth I got them).  No bruise ever came and eventually little blisters did.  The morning of my birthday I spent hours researching rashes and blisters and all sorts of scary things and came to shingles.  It fit.  I sent a picture to my friend and her wonderful in-laws confirmed it.  I decided at that point to treat it holistically.  I was probably already beyond the time limit for antibiotics (which we try to use only as a LAST resort) and found that garlic would be great.  So I took a ton of garlic and endured the pain for days.  I found too that apple cider vinegar was great for the itchies.  I thought for sure it would burn, so I took my sweet time trying it out, but it didn't.  It cooled and eased the itchy sensation.  Wonderful!  My husband noticed a second patch of blisters starting to surface after several days, but the garlic knocked it out!  Amazing.  They never fully came up.  I did end up with some nasty scars, but that's ok.  At least they're on my back.

Fast forward now, 2 1/2 years later and here I find myself with that all too familiar intense pain on my back.  This time it's on my left shoulder blade near my arm and also on my left front about where the hooks of my nursing bra hit.  I noticed the pain late yesterday and within a few hours checked the mirror and saw nothing, so I cut up a garlic clove.  I used softgels last time, but I have none right now and I wanted to get started on some right away.  Plus my friend has told me MANY times how much more effective plain old garlic is.  I just have to cut the clove up very small or I choke (so pathetic!).  I took 3/4 of a clove last night (my 4yo daughter beat me to the last 1/4 and chewed it up excitedly!) and 3/4 of a clove this morning and would you believe me if I said the pain was MORE intense this morning than last night, but it is LESS intense this evening?  I don't know if I'm out of the woods yet or if I'll end up with some blisters, but this sure seems promising!  Thank you to my sweet friends who are praying for me, and to Jesus for being the ultimate healer.

And the reason for the stress this time?  I think it's sleep.  I've never been a sleep fan, always had a hard time falling asleep, and I just operate on less than most people.  But as a mommy to 4 kids I am tired a lot and I do cherish those 6ish hours each night.  I've been struggling lately though.  My 2 yo is still in bed with me (and that means no room for my husband who has made a huge sacrifice and slept on the couch since the night my labor started with our 5mo) and he likes to kick a lot and put his arms under me.  I don't want to hurt him, so I'm always waking up and pushing him back to his side, and I also don't want him to hurt the baby-or for her to roll off the bed while she's on the other side, so I sleep with my arm around her.  My hair is also driving me crazy at night too.  I roll on it and it gets pulled and wakes me up, or I'm afraid that it's on the baby and I wake up to move it.  I'd wear it up, but my scalp is so darn sensitive that that would just give me a perma-headache, plus I have dread locks and it's important that they have time to breathe so they don't get yucky.  Then there is my poor bladder that has been so abused by 4 successful pregnancies-especially the 3rd.  He just really nailed my bladder for some reason and it's never recovered...so I'm up several times a night to go potty.  And of course then I have to think about my 4yo who sleeps perpendicular to my bed...well, at least that is where her mattress is, she is usually on the floor next to it, and I've almost stepped ON her head several times.  And then there is my 7yo who sleeps perpendicular to the 4yo and his allergies.  He snorts and sniffles and coughs several times a night, which also wakes me.  But this is all important stuff that is non-negotiable as far as I'm concerned.  I'm not going to boot the baby and the 2yo from my bed (though I'd be lying if I said I wasn't longing for the day that the 2yo is ready for his own bed...we've tried and he wakes up and cries for me until I let him back in bed with me), and I'm not going to boot the 4yo and 7yo from my room either.  The hair, I could always cut I suppose, but I've worked SO long to grow it out, I'd be really sad, and so would my 4yo who says that girls should have long hair.  So I need to find another way to deal with this stress, obviously.  I'm going to start reading my Bible in bed (well, ok, I'll be reading on my phone on biblegateway.com) and praying more.  I know that I can still be aware of all this stuff without letting it stress me out so badly.