On Tuesdays I want to make myself transparent and share something that God has been working on my life, whether it be small (like cleaning my Suburban so I'm not humiliated when I open the door at the grocery store and trash falls out) or big, like submitting to my husband on an issue that needed to be addressed for many years. You don't have to share this as many of these matters may be very private, but I encourage you to participate privately if you so choose.
1)Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.
2)Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
3)For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.
4)Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.
So this is probably going to be a HUGE shock to some people that know me, but I think if we are blessed with another baby, we are going to seek a midwife to assist the birth. I've had one hospital birth (hated it, just felt like I was treated like a child and there was Z.E.R.O. support for my desire to go natural, not to mention they knowingly risked mine and my baby's health and safety for the sake of "timely" delivery) and three unassisted births. I loved my 3 u/c's, especially the first one. Minus my mother's presence for the last 20 minutes of it, it was picture perfect. My husband was serene (on the outside) and so supportive, even when I went bonkers and told him I wanted an epidural right before the baby came. Our second u/c was harder (3 days of labor, and a hard transition period thanks to a posterior baby with hands in his face) and I freaked out and cried and told him that I wanted a c-section because the baby was never coming. It really took a toll on my husband and I didn't want to face that. It was scary for him to see me like that and to have to decide if I was asking for a c-section because I thought something was wrong or if I was just labor-crazy. Looking back now, I can only imagine how much stress he was feeling. For our third u/c, I thought the solution to stressing my husband out would be for me to labor alone. My water broke (trickled all day really, no big gushes) first thing in the morning and I kind of laid around all day, not wanting to cause painful contractions if the baby wasn't ready to come out. That night, we went to bed around 11 and he decided to sleep on the couch, thinking that both of us would sleep better that way. Around 1:30/2 in the morning I got up and told him it was starting and that if he'd help me get my labor area set up that I'd wake him up when I needed him. Around 5:00 I started to have to really work through the contractions, and my 4yo was awake with me. About 5:30 my 2yo woke up and I decided that it was time to get Daddy up. I told him I was going to take a shower (hate baths) because it was really painful but I was only 5-6cm and I thought it was going to be a while. I tried to put on a brave face in front of him and to keep the noise down, but I was really struggling. I kept begging God to let me be done with the whole thing. Instead of relaxing between contractions I would tense up because it just meant another one was coming and I felt like they weren't going anywhere. I definitely could have used his presence, but I didn't want to scare him. Eventually I decided to test push and called him when I found that was making progress. He caught our sweet baby girl, but I knew that the whole situation really wore on him again.
We were talking recently about what the future holds for our family. I'd love to have as many more as God will allow, in His time (we don't prevent or encourage conception-we felt a very strong calling not to "try to conceive" back when we were miscarrying left and right before God gave us our 4yo), but I know that the thought really stresses out my husband. He confided in me more bluntly than usual (he really has been sweet about it, but I needed it spelled out for me) that a part of his hesitation is the giving birth part. It's scary, and so stressful for him to be THE responsible person if something goes wrong. And now I see it, FINALLY. I see what I've asked of my husband all these years, and it really wasn't fair. It's not that we both don't have faith in the Lord for our health and safety, and we know without a doubt that our decision to u/c has been right so far, but now, it's time to bring someone else in because it's not all about ME. It's about US, and if one of us is uneasy, then it's not right for the other one to force it. And I'm sorry.
Part of my reason for really liking u/c was my childhood abuse by my mother. I grew up basically unable to trust women older than me because I couldn't trust my mother not to wound me deeply. But maybe this is part of my growth and recovery now. I will HAVE to open up to another woman now and put some trust in her. I will have to be vulnerable to her. The neat thing is that I get to interview and pick someone who I think will fit me. Obviously I won't pick someone that will try to control me or reminds me of my mother. There are other types of women out there and I am sure that God has an amazing experience planned for me. For us. And for the first time in a long time maybe my husband will be able to relax and enjoy being a Daddy and husband during/after labor instead of worrying if something is wrong and if he'll be able to diagnose and act quickly enough. Poor guy.
So I'm hanging up my unassited birth hat. I don't feel like I'm being forced into anything, and I don't have the "but it's my body" attitude. It's a subtle submission. He probably never would have asked me to have a midwife, but I'm so glad that it's finally clear to me how much he'd like to have someone here. And I'm happy to submit on this one.