Transparent Tuesday

Transparent Tuesday
On Tuesdays I want to make myself transparent and share something that God has been working on my life, whether it be small (like cleaning my Suburban so I'm not humiliated when I open the door at the grocery store and trash falls out) or big, like submitting to my husband on an issue that needed to be addressed for many years.  You don't have to share this as many of these matters may be very private, but I encourage you to participate privately if you so choose.

Psalm 51:1-4
1)Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.
2)Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
3)For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.
4)Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.





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Brokenhearted.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted

And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

He heals the brokenhearted

And binds up their wounds.

Psalm 147:3

Today my heart is broken for a few of my friends.  They are suffering some big hurts in their lives right now.  If you would please just pray for them, I would be so appreciative.  I know that anything is possible with God, even if they don't see it right now.  Pray for their healing (physical, relational) and for their faith.  A few of them may be teetering.  And pray for their families.  Please and thank you.



Strange Dream

I had a dream last night that I was in a hospital walking around...not sure why, but ok.  A nurse asked me to come and sit with an old woman who was going to die soon.  She was VERY old, she was all shriveled up and looked like a raisin.  She was raspy and barely able to talk and they said she would die within a few hours.  They were going to use some of her organs to save a middle aged man's life. 

I sat with her in silence for a while, listening as it got harder for her to breath.  I felt compelled to ask if she knew Jesus, but I was scared.  Scared of what though?  Just scared like I always am to ask someone this question.  I don't know what to say after, even though I know that the Holy Spirit can speak through me and give me words...I mean how many times has He given me the words to speak when my children ask difficult questions?  Have you ever had a time when you're talking about something Biblical that has confused you for a long time, and suddenly it clicks?  There can be no explanation for when it happens to me other than God suddenly and fantastically making it clear.

Finally, I asked her if she knew Jesus.  She perked up a little and said some of the usual stuff, He was a man, He did great things, but she didn't really know if He was God, it sounded too far fetched.  So we talked for a while and she asked hard questions, and I witnessed to her, and she came to know the truth.  Suddenly, she was a healthy 2 year old!  She looked just like herself, only 78 years younger.  Skin clear and pudgy and new, hair soft and blond instead of wiry and white.  I carried her around the hospital trying to find a nurse to see this strange thing that happened.  They were as confused as I was.

I woke up still completely confused and told my husband my dream.  He said "well did you miss the symbolism in your dream?  She was born again!"  ahhh...now it makes sense!  She was a fresh new being.  Maybe God is trying to give me courage to take the plunge and just ask someone...I have someone in mind actually, and I know what the answer to the question will be.  I know this person is not saved, but I honestly don't know how to pursue the conversation.  This person is immersed in some scary stuff right now and the whole family could use prayer.  I've felt a strong calling to this person for over a year now, but I've been...afraid I guess.  I guess it feels confrontational to me to just ask point blank, and confrontational is NOT a word I'd use to describe myself.  I just keep waiting for this person to ask me questions, but maybe that will never happen and I need to be the one to initiate.  Any words of wisdom or encouragement?  You can comment here, or you can email me at hearmenurture (@) gmail (.) com.

Sweet Heaven Babies

My friend at Joy Filled Living is having a blog link-up on miscarriage this week. Go and check it out!



Before I got pregnant with my first child, I was scared to death that I may never actually have children of my own-something I'd wanted my whole life. I was born with hip displasia and my mother told me I had at least two dozen x-rays on my pelvic as a baby and that she figured my eggs were radiated. When I did become pregnant (unexpectedly and out of wed-lock with my soon-to-be-husband) I was ecstatic...literally jumping up and down and screaming with joy. We were not planning on having kids for a few years...technically. I WANTED them right away, but the plan was to wait. My poor sweet fiance was initially much less excited than I was, but he came around in a few days. I hadn't ever really given much thought to miscarriage. I believe that a few years before one of my cousins had suffered one, but it was all very hush-hush, and then a coworker suffered one not long before I got pregnant. It was in the back of mind all the time though, especially with another coworker telling myself and a fellow preggo that if we were overworked or stressed out that our babies could just die *snaps finger* like that. Thank the Lord we made it through the pregnancy just fine and came home with a beautiful, healthy baby boy.
My next pregnancy was completely different. I found out I was pregnant the next time a few days before my period was due and had about a week of elation, then it was all over. Crushed would be a great way to sum up how I felt. And alone. My husband just couldn't mentally or emotionally deal with it between the "wow" of it happening and his schedule (full-time student and full-time working). My son was about 17mo at the time and I had so desperately wanted my kids to be right about 2y apart. With that loss, I knew my hopes were gone for that. I recovered as best as I could emotionally. Physically I felt fine.
A few months later I became pregnant again. I thought surely I would carry to term this time...not many people have two miscarriages in a row right? But when the tests got lighter instead of darker, I knew it was doomed. And a few days later the baby was gone. My husband was more available to me this time and a great support. He fielded questions at church like "when are you going to give your little guy a brother or sister?" with answers like "we're doing our part, just waiting for God's time".
Again a few months later I became pregnant. I made my husband a cake with a Bible verse on it about how children are a blessing from the Lord and had it ready when he got home from school late one night. He didn't understand at first what I meant, but when he figured it out he was so excited! And again, just like before, we had a few days of joy followed by immense sadness. This time, we talked about it. I talked with a friend at church who lost twins, and with another woman who prayed for us. It felt so good to share my suffering with someone who would listen and pray for me. Even still, I felt very sad and bitter. I gave away all of our baby stuff except for a few precious outfits, convinced that my body was indeed broken like my mother had told me. I did find solace in Chris Tomlin's "Not To Us"



When he sings "Your children are dancing, dancing, dancing, yeah! It's all for You!" I immediately "saw" my little ones in Heaven, safe and happy, dancing for their Savior and mine. I realized that they were safe, taken care of, and their life was a purpose that I couldn't understand. But Jesus knows. And I'm honored to be the Mommy of members of a precious army in Heaven.

A few months later again...in total 11 months after the first miscarriage, I became pregnant again. I am a sucker for excitement and just latched on emtotionally and mentally right away. I tried to convince my husband, but he wasn't going to allow himself to become attached until we'd made it through the first few weeks. Everyday until we passed our latest miscarriage date was stress and anxiety filled...but we did. We went for an ultrasound at almost 7w and saw a teeny little baby in there with a beautifully functioning heartbeat. The pregnancy continued and we were greated with a beautiful, STUBBORN and strong-willed little girl.
When our daughter was 1 1/2yo, I became pregnant again. We lost this baby too in the first week of knowing again, but it was very different for me emotionally this time. I thought back to the song and to the knowledge that my babies were safe and blessed to be with Jesus. I surrended myself to Him at that time and decided that if I became pregnant a thousand times but never birthed another live baby, that I would be ok doing His will. Because these babies aren't wastes of time, and they are VERY important to Him. Why would He give us Mommies an immediate emotional tie to them? Why would He have us love them so deeply even though He gave us such a short time to grow them in our bodies? They're special and we'll never forget them, and He'll never forget them...and the party that will maybe thrown when we meet them in Heaven...can you just imagine? Our homecoming and reunion with Jesus and our sweet babies? Fantastic! Can you imagine your babies teaching you about Heaven? I can.

I became pregnant with our 2yo after that miscarriage and I was so surprised that he "stuck", I thought for certain that I would lose a few more babies before getting to keep one. He is as stubborn and strong-willed as his big sister too.

I became pregnant with our youngest baby without having a miscarriage before...I was certain my "lot" was to lose a baby before having another, but God is full of surprises. I know now that if I do lose another baby, that I will be sad, but I will also be so happy for that little one to have skipped the tradgedies of this world and been given entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven right away.

I can't imagine going through miscarriages without knowing WHERE my babies are and WHO they are with. I am so comforted by "Not To Us" and being able to visualize my sweet missed blessings in Heaven. And I can only hope to provide another Momma comfort if she needs it.

Please share if you'd like and link up to my friend's blog. :)

Transparent Tuesday

Transparent Tuesday
On Tuesdays I want to make myself transparent and share something that God has been working on my life, whether it be small (like cleaning my Suburban so I'm not humiliated when I open the door at the grocery store and trash falls out) or big, like submitting to my husband on an issue that needed to be addressed for many years.  You don't have to share this as many of these matters may be very private, but I encourage you to participate privately if you so choose.

Psalm 51:1-4
1)Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.
2)Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
3)For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.
4)Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.



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So this is probably going to be a HUGE shock to some people that know me, but I think if we are blessed with another baby, we are going to seek a midwife to assist the birth. I've had one hospital birth (hated it, just felt like I was treated like a child and there was Z.E.R.O. support for my desire to go natural, not to mention they knowingly risked mine and my baby's health and safety for the sake of "timely" delivery) and three unassisted births. I loved my 3 u/c's, especially the first one. Minus my mother's presence for the last 20 minutes of it, it was picture perfect. My husband was serene (on the outside) and so supportive, even when I went bonkers and told him I wanted an epidural right before the baby came. Our second u/c was harder (3 days of labor, and a hard transition period thanks to a posterior baby with hands in his face) and I freaked out and cried and told him that I wanted a c-section because the baby was never coming. It really took a toll on my husband and I didn't want to face that. It was scary for him to see me like that and to have to decide if I was asking for a c-section because I thought something was wrong or if I was just labor-crazy. Looking back now, I can only imagine how much stress he was feeling. For our third u/c, I thought the solution to stressing my husband out would be for me to labor alone. My water broke (trickled all day really, no big gushes) first thing in the morning and I kind of laid around all day, not wanting to cause painful contractions if the baby wasn't ready to come out. That night, we went to bed around 11 and he decided to sleep on the couch, thinking that both of us would sleep better that way. Around 1:30/2 in the morning I got up and told him it was starting and that if he'd help me get my labor area set up that I'd wake him up when I needed him. Around 5:00 I started to have to really work through the contractions, and my 4yo was awake with me. About 5:30 my 2yo woke up and I decided that it was time to get Daddy up. I told him I was going to take a shower (hate baths) because it was really painful but I was only 5-6cm and I thought it was going to be a while. I tried to put on a brave face in front of him and to keep the noise down, but I was really struggling. I kept begging God to let me be done with the whole thing. Instead of relaxing between contractions I would tense up because it just meant another one was coming and I felt like they weren't going anywhere. I definitely could have used his presence, but I didn't want to scare him. Eventually I decided to test push and called him when I found that was making progress. He caught our sweet baby girl, but I knew that the whole situation really wore on him again.
We were talking recently about what the future holds for our family. I'd love to have as many more as God will allow, in His time (we don't prevent or encourage conception-we felt a very strong calling not to "try to conceive" back when we were miscarrying left and right before God gave us our 4yo), but I know that the thought really stresses out my husband. He confided in me more bluntly than usual (he really has been sweet about it, but I needed it spelled out for me) that a part of his hesitation is the giving birth part. It's scary, and so stressful for him to be THE responsible person if something goes wrong. And now I see it, FINALLY. I see what I've asked of my husband all these years, and it really wasn't fair. It's not that we both don't have faith in the Lord for our health and safety, and we know without a doubt that our decision to u/c has been right so far, but now, it's time to bring someone else in because it's not all about ME. It's about US, and if one of us is uneasy, then it's not right for the other one to force it. And I'm sorry.
Part of my reason for really liking u/c was my childhood abuse by my mother. I grew up basically unable to trust women older than me because I couldn't trust my mother not to wound me deeply. But maybe this is part of my growth and recovery now. I will HAVE to open up to another woman now and put some trust in her. I will have to be vulnerable to her. The neat thing is that I get to interview and pick someone who I think will fit me. Obviously I won't pick someone that will try to control me or reminds me of my mother. There are other types of women out there and I am sure that God has an amazing experience planned for me. For us. And for the first time in a long time maybe my husband will be able to relax and enjoy being a Daddy and husband during/after labor instead of worrying if something is wrong and if he'll be able to diagnose and act quickly enough. Poor guy.
So I'm hanging up my unassited birth hat. I don't feel like I'm being forced into anything, and I don't have the "but it's my body" attitude. It's a subtle submission. He probably never would have asked me to have a midwife, but I'm so glad that it's finally clear to me how much he'd like to have someone here. And I'm happy to submit on this one.

A Little Conviction

My husband was just holding the baby when the Little Guy came up and bashed right into him.  I was thinking of my own reaction to this happening MANY many many times.  I usually react in anger and make the Little Guy move away from me.  I'm always telling him "gentle, Mommy likes nice touches".  My husband's reaction just convicted me though.  He said "sometimes 'rough' is all I get with Little Guy".  The way he said it was like it was a privilege to be assaulted by our very rough and tumble Little Guy.  Wow.  All this time I've been treating it like something that should only happen at certain times (like tickle-wrestle time), and here my husband was treasuring it.  You know the saying "there is no 'I' in team"?  I'm always saying "there is no 'gentle' in Little Guy".  And there isn't really.  He WILL hug, and he will kiss, but it's usually accompanied with a body blow or tackle of some sort immediately before or after...or he uses my hair or skin to pull me toward him.  And you know what, that's ok.  I'm going to adopt my husband's attitude (with God's help because it really does trigger an angry response from me when he hurts me oftentimes) and treasure my little guy and the way that HE needs to love.

Stress, shingles and garlic

I had shingles in the fall of 2008 while pregnant with my 2yo.  It was not fun.  I got it from being OVERLY, extremely, "oh-my-gosh-the-world-is-ending" stressed about the presidential election.  My parents had gotten so head-over-heels into prepping and "end-of-the-worldness" (not saying they ALWAYS go together, I think responsible/reasonable "prepping" is great) and were CONSTANTLY talking about how if the election went a certain way that we'd need to move to the mountains and burn our vehicles and live out our last days hiding from the government and how I'd have to learn how to perform surgery and do stitches, on and on.  Here I was, just turning 26 (figured out it was shingles the morning of my birthday), having the absolute time of my life.  I was married to an amazing guy, had 2 beautiful kids and another precious blessing on the way, we had started homeschooling, work was going great for my husband, we'd just moved to a bigger apartment less than a year before, got the vehicle of my dreams (older and it just about fell from Heaven the way all the details worked out)...everything was so great and here my parents were telling me day in and day out that I was going to have to take my kids to the mountains and raise them in seclusion (seriously, they talked about how they'd shoot anyone who got too close to our dwelling)...in this life my parents were painting, my kids would never get to experience love, they'd be hermits and have no idea how to be around anyone outside our family.  Unlike my husband, I daydream about my children courting and marrying.  I'm out of this world EXCITED and ECSTATIC that they might find someone to love as much as I love their dad.  Giddy.  But my parents were completely dashing that dream.  I couldn't even pick a homeschool curriculum because anything that required computers or library access would be out because we'd be in the middle of the forest, secluded, for the next 10+ years according to their plan.  Thinking about it now it makes me sick the lack of faith they had and the effect it had on me.  How did I fall for it all?  I was absolutely sick with worry and scared out of my mind.  I know I drove my friend crazy talking about it.  I'm so thankful that eventually she told me that she couldn't be a part of the conversation anymore because it was worrisome and overwhelming...it gave me courage to eventually say the same thing to my parents. 

My "reward" for all the stress...shingles.  It all started with some severe pain in a small spot just to the right of my spine at about my bra line.  It was terrible.  I'd check it once an hour (or more) fully expecting to see a deep purple bruise.  I was certain I had to have backed into something and not remembered (which is easy for me to do, I'm constantly noticing new bruises and am left wondering how on earth I got them).  No bruise ever came and eventually little blisters did.  The morning of my birthday I spent hours researching rashes and blisters and all sorts of scary things and came to shingles.  It fit.  I sent a picture to my friend and her wonderful in-laws confirmed it.  I decided at that point to treat it holistically.  I was probably already beyond the time limit for antibiotics (which we try to use only as a LAST resort) and found that garlic would be great.  So I took a ton of garlic and endured the pain for days.  I found too that apple cider vinegar was great for the itchies.  I thought for sure it would burn, so I took my sweet time trying it out, but it didn't.  It cooled and eased the itchy sensation.  Wonderful!  My husband noticed a second patch of blisters starting to surface after several days, but the garlic knocked it out!  Amazing.  They never fully came up.  I did end up with some nasty scars, but that's ok.  At least they're on my back.

Fast forward now, 2 1/2 years later and here I find myself with that all too familiar intense pain on my back.  This time it's on my left shoulder blade near my arm and also on my left front about where the hooks of my nursing bra hit.  I noticed the pain late yesterday and within a few hours checked the mirror and saw nothing, so I cut up a garlic clove.  I used softgels last time, but I have none right now and I wanted to get started on some right away.  Plus my friend has told me MANY times how much more effective plain old garlic is.  I just have to cut the clove up very small or I choke (so pathetic!).  I took 3/4 of a clove last night (my 4yo daughter beat me to the last 1/4 and chewed it up excitedly!) and 3/4 of a clove this morning and would you believe me if I said the pain was MORE intense this morning than last night, but it is LESS intense this evening?  I don't know if I'm out of the woods yet or if I'll end up with some blisters, but this sure seems promising!  Thank you to my sweet friends who are praying for me, and to Jesus for being the ultimate healer.

And the reason for the stress this time?  I think it's sleep.  I've never been a sleep fan, always had a hard time falling asleep, and I just operate on less than most people.  But as a mommy to 4 kids I am tired a lot and I do cherish those 6ish hours each night.  I've been struggling lately though.  My 2 yo is still in bed with me (and that means no room for my husband who has made a huge sacrifice and slept on the couch since the night my labor started with our 5mo) and he likes to kick a lot and put his arms under me.  I don't want to hurt him, so I'm always waking up and pushing him back to his side, and I also don't want him to hurt the baby-or for her to roll off the bed while she's on the other side, so I sleep with my arm around her.  My hair is also driving me crazy at night too.  I roll on it and it gets pulled and wakes me up, or I'm afraid that it's on the baby and I wake up to move it.  I'd wear it up, but my scalp is so darn sensitive that that would just give me a perma-headache, plus I have dread locks and it's important that they have time to breathe so they don't get yucky.  Then there is my poor bladder that has been so abused by 4 successful pregnancies-especially the 3rd.  He just really nailed my bladder for some reason and it's never recovered...so I'm up several times a night to go potty.  And of course then I have to think about my 4yo who sleeps perpendicular to my bed...well, at least that is where her mattress is, she is usually on the floor next to it, and I've almost stepped ON her head several times.  And then there is my 7yo who sleeps perpendicular to the 4yo and his allergies.  He snorts and sniffles and coughs several times a night, which also wakes me.  But this is all important stuff that is non-negotiable as far as I'm concerned.  I'm not going to boot the baby and the 2yo from my bed (though I'd be lying if I said I wasn't longing for the day that the 2yo is ready for his own bed...we've tried and he wakes up and cries for me until I let him back in bed with me), and I'm not going to boot the 4yo and 7yo from my room either.  The hair, I could always cut I suppose, but I've worked SO long to grow it out, I'd be really sad, and so would my 4yo who says that girls should have long hair.  So I need to find another way to deal with this stress, obviously.  I'm going to start reading my Bible in bed (well, ok, I'll be reading on my phone on biblegateway.com) and praying more.  I know that I can still be aware of all this stuff without letting it stress me out so badly.