Sing Praise

I woke up with grumblies on my lips and in my heart.  Before I even got out of my bedroom this song came to mind, forcefully! 



Sing Praise ladies! Find the beauty in your day, and if you have none, find the beauty in God's word. He is with us always, and He is a constant comfort if we'll just let Him into each moment.

Psalm 119:50

"This is my comfort in my affliction,

that Your word has revived me."

F is for Friday-Food

F is for Friday
Friday is basically a free for all.  I plan on posting about things like Food, Fitness, Family, Fun, Festivities, etc.  It doesn't have to be about "F" things, but look forward to me doing my best to make (ridiculous) links to the letter F. Your F can be different than mine though!

Proverbs 17:22
A joyful heart is good medicine.







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Jenetarian (noun) Person who is part raw foodie and part junk foodie.  May be seen scarfing half a greasy cheese pizza while slurping on a whole fruit no-sugar-added green smoothie.

So many labels, so many issues!  I have blogged about my food issues here before...as you can see it's an issue that really just plagues my mind and my family suffers because of my craziness about it.  I may have it figured out finally though.  I have suffered stomach cramps my whole life...I remember having them from my earliest memories on up.  Back then I thought it was normal-I didn't really trust my mother enough to talk to her about it, plus she could always be heard talking about "gut aches" and passing gas rudely and loudly where ever she felt the need...same with her whole family.  Now I just always convince myself that I'm not eating "clean enough" and that that is why I get the daily stomach aches...but honestly we eat pretty darn good most days (excuse the weekend trips to places like Chuck-A-Rama or the local pizza buffet).  Some days they aren't too bad and I can function fine and ignore the gas and bloating and pain, other days I have to go lay down until they go away.  Some miraculous days I don't have any, but those days are few and far between.  Still I was wondering if it was normal, but my husband doesn't suffer everyday, and he eats pretty much the same as me.  So do the kids, and the two middle ones seem fine, but I think my oldest suffers from the same tummy troubles that I always have.

I noticed this year that ANYTHING with powdered sugar was giving me an almost instant stomach ache with cramps and painful bloating.  I even drew a devil's face on my bag of powdered sugar (which my husband made me throw away lol) and referred to it as "evil sugar".  I thought (why?) that maybe it was the sugar, that somehow because it was ground that it was bothering my body more than regular sugar.  It wasn't until the 30 hours that we went gluten-free (ah the insanity of it all makes me point and laugh at myself) that I realized it was the cornstarch, not the sugar, that was giving me stomach cramps.  We had a homemade gf tortilla with our eggs that morning and one of the ingredients was cornstarch, but no sugar.  Duh!  Making that connection made me rethink my assumption that my body was rejecting "junk food" (read yummy things like Snickers and Fireballs)...I was trying to figure out WHY my body was feeling so ill after indulging occasionally, and now I'm thinking it's the corn syrup.  I also used to eat grits here and there as a kid and a teen, but I hadn't in a long time.  In the last year I have TRIED to eat a bowl many times, but with no success.  My stomach starts churning and bloating and I canNOT force myself to finish it.  I kept thinking that maybe I was cooking it wrong, but really, what can go wrong when you add water, cook, and stir in milk/xylitol/butter?  I've also had instances when I've added corn meal to baked goods (like the bottom of pizza crust) or to make fried chicken, and again my stomach just flip flops!  Yesterday I even realized that the amount of cornstarch in my baking powder is just too much for me.  I didn't even finish my pancakes before my stomach cramped up.  My parents used to make cornbread all the time when I was a kid too and I remember that never sitting well with me either.

I still need to try straight up corn.  We haven't had it often in the last few years since our barbeque died.  We would usually eat a bbq'd corn on the cob with steak once a month or so.  I do vaguely remember stomach aches, but I figured that maybe I was eating too much in one sitting because we'd go big on the steak.  Maybe I'll get some this next shopping trip and try it out on a day that I know I haven't had any other corn products.  It wouldn't surprise me if REAL corn didn't bug me, just all the processed stuff.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to wheat (lol) for blaming you for my problems all these years. 

It honestly doesn't surprise me that I may be developing a corn intolerance (isn't an allergy when you get hives and can't breath?  Yeah, that would be me on pineapple or grapefruit) since I already have two food allergies and lots of medicines I'm allergic to, not to mention all furry creatures (both slobber and dander, especially cats), grass, and lots of other things.  I am thankful that this seems to be just an intolerance though with stomach cramps and nothing further.  And I do wonder if maybe it's because SO much of our corn is GMO in this country and they find ways to put it in almost everything!

I've been reading on this corn allergen site and the list of things corn is tucked into is mind-boggling.  From what I understand, not all things may affect all people, or may not affect them the same.  I know that lots of xylitol is made from corn (I'm guessing the bulk xylitol I get at Fred Meyers is), and that if I eat too much of it at once (like in my coffee while eating oatmeal with xylitol in it) I do get a stomach ache, but that if I space them out, I'm ok).  I am thinking about ordering some xylitol that is guaranteed to be made from birch so I don't have to worry about it.  Thankfully I don't eat many pre-packaged foods, so it's not going to be too hard of a transition for me here at home.  I've already started using a combo of baking soda+cream of tartar in place of baking powder (though there is baking powder made with potato starch instead of corn starch) I think it's probably going to be really difficult eating out though...but I can suffer through a stomach ache for a special occasion (like the pizza buffet for the kids' birthdays) here and there.

Maybe once I get my tummy all feeling better on a consistent basis I can stop dissecting our eating habits and criticizing myself for not having my family eating a "perfect" diet and my family can eat in peace.  So here I am, a happy Jenetarian.  Not a vegetarian, not gf, not raw, not a junk food enthusiast.  Just me, a happy combo, and maybe a little less crazy.

Strange Dream

I had a dream last night that I was in a hospital walking around...not sure why, but ok.  A nurse asked me to come and sit with an old woman who was going to die soon.  She was VERY old, she was all shriveled up and looked like a raisin.  She was raspy and barely able to talk and they said she would die within a few hours.  They were going to use some of her organs to save a middle aged man's life. 

I sat with her in silence for a while, listening as it got harder for her to breath.  I felt compelled to ask if she knew Jesus, but I was scared.  Scared of what though?  Just scared like I always am to ask someone this question.  I don't know what to say after, even though I know that the Holy Spirit can speak through me and give me words...I mean how many times has He given me the words to speak when my children ask difficult questions?  Have you ever had a time when you're talking about something Biblical that has confused you for a long time, and suddenly it clicks?  There can be no explanation for when it happens to me other than God suddenly and fantastically making it clear.

Finally, I asked her if she knew Jesus.  She perked up a little and said some of the usual stuff, He was a man, He did great things, but she didn't really know if He was God, it sounded too far fetched.  So we talked for a while and she asked hard questions, and I witnessed to her, and she came to know the truth.  Suddenly, she was a healthy 2 year old!  She looked just like herself, only 78 years younger.  Skin clear and pudgy and new, hair soft and blond instead of wiry and white.  I carried her around the hospital trying to find a nurse to see this strange thing that happened.  They were as confused as I was.

I woke up still completely confused and told my husband my dream.  He said "well did you miss the symbolism in your dream?  She was born again!"  ahhh...now it makes sense!  She was a fresh new being.  Maybe God is trying to give me courage to take the plunge and just ask someone...I have someone in mind actually, and I know what the answer to the question will be.  I know this person is not saved, but I honestly don't know how to pursue the conversation.  This person is immersed in some scary stuff right now and the whole family could use prayer.  I've felt a strong calling to this person for over a year now, but I've been...afraid I guess.  I guess it feels confrontational to me to just ask point blank, and confrontational is NOT a word I'd use to describe myself.  I just keep waiting for this person to ask me questions, but maybe that will never happen and I need to be the one to initiate.  Any words of wisdom or encouragement?  You can comment here, or you can email me at hearmenurture (@) gmail (.) com.

Media Monday

On Mondays, I will be sharing a bit of media-Bible verse, song, television show, movie, cartoon, news article, blog post, anything media-ish that has inspired, convicted, or encouraged me.

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.





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My inspiration for today's Media Monday is this awesome book that we got my husband for his birthday. The Heavens Proclaim His Glory by Lisa Stilwell. My husband is a space lover, and our kids seem to be following in that direction too. They love talking about all things space with him. Yesterday our 7yo asked if we believe in aliens, so we had a discussion about that. My husband told him that God created US in His image with a plan for salvation, but that the Bible doesn't talk about any other self-aware creatures in space. We aren't saying no 100%, but for us we don't see the evidence. He also said that no matter where you stand on aliens, that God made the universe so vast to show how big He is...a point that my 4yo reminded me of this morning in our prayers/Bible time. She WAS listening!

"I can see how it might be possible for a man to look down upon the earth and be an atheist, but I cannot conceive how he could look up into the heavens and say there is no God." Abraham Lincoln

This book has some really stunning pictures of space, and the kids love sitting with Daddy and looking through it. Our 4yo has been sleeping with it lately too (they like to read in bed).

I love this too (just love John MacArthur anyway...my favorite Bible right now is a John MacArthur Study Bible).

Common-sense logic suggests that every watch has a watchmaker.
Every building has a builder. Every structure has an architect.
Every arrangement has a plan. Every plan has a designer.
And every design has a purpose.
We see the universe, infinitely more complex than any watch and infinitely greater than any man-made structure, and it is natural to conclude that Someone infinitely powerful and infinitely intelligent made it.
"For since the creation of the world
His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature,
have been clearly seen, being understood
through what has been made" (Romans 1:20)

~John MacArthur, Battle for the Beginning

If you've got any space lovers in your family, check this book out!  It's fabulous.

Sweet Heaven Babies

My friend at Joy Filled Living is having a blog link-up on miscarriage this week. Go and check it out!



Before I got pregnant with my first child, I was scared to death that I may never actually have children of my own-something I'd wanted my whole life. I was born with hip displasia and my mother told me I had at least two dozen x-rays on my pelvic as a baby and that she figured my eggs were radiated. When I did become pregnant (unexpectedly and out of wed-lock with my soon-to-be-husband) I was ecstatic...literally jumping up and down and screaming with joy. We were not planning on having kids for a few years...technically. I WANTED them right away, but the plan was to wait. My poor sweet fiance was initially much less excited than I was, but he came around in a few days. I hadn't ever really given much thought to miscarriage. I believe that a few years before one of my cousins had suffered one, but it was all very hush-hush, and then a coworker suffered one not long before I got pregnant. It was in the back of mind all the time though, especially with another coworker telling myself and a fellow preggo that if we were overworked or stressed out that our babies could just die *snaps finger* like that. Thank the Lord we made it through the pregnancy just fine and came home with a beautiful, healthy baby boy.
My next pregnancy was completely different. I found out I was pregnant the next time a few days before my period was due and had about a week of elation, then it was all over. Crushed would be a great way to sum up how I felt. And alone. My husband just couldn't mentally or emotionally deal with it between the "wow" of it happening and his schedule (full-time student and full-time working). My son was about 17mo at the time and I had so desperately wanted my kids to be right about 2y apart. With that loss, I knew my hopes were gone for that. I recovered as best as I could emotionally. Physically I felt fine.
A few months later I became pregnant again. I thought surely I would carry to term this time...not many people have two miscarriages in a row right? But when the tests got lighter instead of darker, I knew it was doomed. And a few days later the baby was gone. My husband was more available to me this time and a great support. He fielded questions at church like "when are you going to give your little guy a brother or sister?" with answers like "we're doing our part, just waiting for God's time".
Again a few months later I became pregnant. I made my husband a cake with a Bible verse on it about how children are a blessing from the Lord and had it ready when he got home from school late one night. He didn't understand at first what I meant, but when he figured it out he was so excited! And again, just like before, we had a few days of joy followed by immense sadness. This time, we talked about it. I talked with a friend at church who lost twins, and with another woman who prayed for us. It felt so good to share my suffering with someone who would listen and pray for me. Even still, I felt very sad and bitter. I gave away all of our baby stuff except for a few precious outfits, convinced that my body was indeed broken like my mother had told me. I did find solace in Chris Tomlin's "Not To Us"



When he sings "Your children are dancing, dancing, dancing, yeah! It's all for You!" I immediately "saw" my little ones in Heaven, safe and happy, dancing for their Savior and mine. I realized that they were safe, taken care of, and their life was a purpose that I couldn't understand. But Jesus knows. And I'm honored to be the Mommy of members of a precious army in Heaven.

A few months later again...in total 11 months after the first miscarriage, I became pregnant again. I am a sucker for excitement and just latched on emtotionally and mentally right away. I tried to convince my husband, but he wasn't going to allow himself to become attached until we'd made it through the first few weeks. Everyday until we passed our latest miscarriage date was stress and anxiety filled...but we did. We went for an ultrasound at almost 7w and saw a teeny little baby in there with a beautifully functioning heartbeat. The pregnancy continued and we were greated with a beautiful, STUBBORN and strong-willed little girl.
When our daughter was 1 1/2yo, I became pregnant again. We lost this baby too in the first week of knowing again, but it was very different for me emotionally this time. I thought back to the song and to the knowledge that my babies were safe and blessed to be with Jesus. I surrended myself to Him at that time and decided that if I became pregnant a thousand times but never birthed another live baby, that I would be ok doing His will. Because these babies aren't wastes of time, and they are VERY important to Him. Why would He give us Mommies an immediate emotional tie to them? Why would He have us love them so deeply even though He gave us such a short time to grow them in our bodies? They're special and we'll never forget them, and He'll never forget them...and the party that will maybe thrown when we meet them in Heaven...can you just imagine? Our homecoming and reunion with Jesus and our sweet babies? Fantastic! Can you imagine your babies teaching you about Heaven? I can.

I became pregnant with our 2yo after that miscarriage and I was so surprised that he "stuck", I thought for certain that I would lose a few more babies before getting to keep one. He is as stubborn and strong-willed as his big sister too.

I became pregnant with our youngest baby without having a miscarriage before...I was certain my "lot" was to lose a baby before having another, but God is full of surprises. I know now that if I do lose another baby, that I will be sad, but I will also be so happy for that little one to have skipped the tradgedies of this world and been given entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven right away.

I can't imagine going through miscarriages without knowing WHERE my babies are and WHO they are with. I am so comforted by "Not To Us" and being able to visualize my sweet missed blessings in Heaven. And I can only hope to provide another Momma comfort if she needs it.

Please share if you'd like and link up to my friend's blog. :)

Late Monday/Tuesday post

Media Monday
On Mondays, I will be sharing a bit of media-Bible verse, song, television show, movie, cartoon, news article, blog post, anything media-ish that has inspired, convicted, or encouraged me.

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.



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Transparent Tuesday
On Tuesdays I want to make myself transparent and share something that God has been working on my life, whether it be small (like cleaning my Suburban so I'm not humiliated when I open the door at the grocery store and trash falls out) or big, like submitting to my husband on an issue that needed to be addressed for many years.  You don't have to share this as many of these matters may be very private, but I encourage you to participate privately if you so choose.

Psalm 51:1-4
1)Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.
2)Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
3)For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.
4)Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.



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Gosh I am terrible, forgive me for not getting this done yesterday! My 6mo is teething and has gone from a VERY easy going baby to a very a clingy/cry-y baby...and my 2yo is having a rough week too! He's freshly nursed and she's asleep right now, so let's see if I can get my thoughts out.


I was reading some testimonies on Above Rubies while trying to gain some knowledge on the subject of submission. Check those out, they are so wonderful to read and very convicting. "Please Yourself, You Usually Do" had a huge impact on me. It was two fold...both in my submission to my husband, but also in my leadership over my children. Just like her, I thought I had been doing a great job submitting...let me just pat myself on the back here...but in reality, I was only submitting on the easy things. Things that weren't really a challenge to me anymore. Things that I've been willingly submitting on for years now. But there are some areas in my life that I've been letting excuses rule for far too long. Laundry comes to mind. I'm ashamed to say it, but if you just showed up at my door any given day of the week, you would see a love seat piled HIGH with clean clothes that I haven't put away. Being completely honest here, sometimes I go 2-3 WEEKS...yes weeks, not days, without putting them away. I blame it on busy-ness with 4 kids, a lack of interest in laundry, tiredness, you name it. It's just "not my fault", know what I mean? But my husband is a neat and orderly guy and I know it just drives him absolutely bonkers to look at it all.the.time. The other day he asked me to put them on the floor in the bedroom so he didn't have to look at them all the time anymore. Wow. I've just failed so big right here! So my mission right now is to submit to him in this area and do what he'd really love to see, and get those clean clothes put away in a timely fashion so our living room looks better and we can actually use that love seat.
Now for my secondary thoughts on this testimony...she said she had so robbed her husband of his place of leadership that he was reluctant and slow to take it back up when she'd submitted to him again...I feel like this is exactly what has happened with my children and I. They're just kids and kids just push boundaries and try to negotiate their way out of things...and I've really let them take over a lot of times. I just get so tired of fighting with them and standing firm that it's EASIER to just let them do whatever it is as long as no one gets hurt. But in reading the above testimony, I realized that I am not doing them one bit of good by letting them take over. I'm actually harming them. Now I'm not talking going "Nazi" on them and taking away every freedom or choice. No, I'm just talking about making my "No" a real NO and sticking to it. I've been trying diligently since I read that to impliment this...and I tell you I've already seen a difference! My 4yo especially loves to ask as she's already doing something, and when I say "no", she just continues until she's finished. And just like the woman's husband would say "Please yourself, you usually do" I'd find myself saying "why should I even bother saying no, you'll do it anyway". And boy is that wrong! I'll be honest and say that this week she's not been very fond of the new Mom who stands behind her no, but I know it will only benefit us and in time she'll find security in it. We're going to work on not doing something until asking also so that I can get a chance to actually decide if it's something I'm ok with her doing. I am hoping that this will ease my frustration too when things build up. It's really hard to maintain my cool when I'm being constantly hounded and walked on. But I'm ready to take back my position of leadership and do so graciously but firmly.
Did anyone catch "19 Kids and Counting" last week when Michelle took Josie for her big appointment? Jessa was putting Johannah down for a nap and Johannah kept getting up to plead her case (boy...when we watch Johannah she just reminds us SO much of our 4yo!). Jessa was amazing! So calm and collected and firm in her no. It was really encouraging to see. That's how I want to be.

This week...

This week I'm going to be having a combo "Media Monday"/"Transparent Tuesday" post...tomorrow. I've got a lot swirling in my head about it right now, just need to make some time to sit down and get it all out! It will be on the topic of submission, both wife to husband and kid to parent.

Fashion-F is for Friday

F is for Friday
Friday is basically a free for all.  I plan on posting about things like Food, Fitness, Family, Fun, Festivities, etc.  It doesn't have to be about "F" things, but look forward to me doing my best to make (ridiculous) links to the letter F.

Proverbs 17:22
A joyful heart is good medicine.



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FASHION! Oh how I have longed for a long denim skirt for YEARS now! I've just never been able to find one I liked AND can afford. Not that I find many anyway...but the few I have seen have either been way out of my price range or have the super high waist lines, which I just can't bring myself to wear. I felt hopeless that I'd ever find one, so I decided to make one. I know my sewing skills aren't up to making one from scratch, so I made one from two pairs of old jeans. I have what seems to be like a zillion pairs of jeans in various sizes since I refused to wear maternity jeans my first 3 pregnancies (finally found THE pair of mat jeans this last time ::love:: ). So I took the nicest looking pair and found another pair that was similarly colored. You could also go for contrasting colors, or fill in the missing area with a panel of fabric.

Pick the stitching of the legs out, and on up through the crotch.


I actually had to go quite a ways up on the picking. I stopped when it would lay flat-ish...which was about the bottom of the pockets (which also gives me another idea, you could embellish the pockets, or take them off and replace them with some fun fabric).


At this point I tried it on because I knew that even though it would lay flat on the table, it might not hang straight. And I was right, see all the bubbly-ness?


So I took it off and adjusted again and again until I got it to where I was satisfied. Pin it good so it doesn't slip on you!


Repeat and do the same thing on the front. Again, I had to pick the stitches up pretty high, right to the base of the zipper enclosure. Be sure to NOT cut those threads too short though, later you'll use the leftover to tie it off in the back.


Now decide if you want to leave the raw edge out, like above, or fold it under like this. I decided to go with raw.


Next, grab your other pair of jeans and cut the legs off as high as you can...and for the love of all things holy, please don't wear the leftovers as shorts. There is not enough fabric there to cover a baby's booty, let alone yours or mine, ok? Use that as scraps for something or make a purse out of it. Then unpick the stitching up the legs of these jeans.


Now you need to figure out the circumference of the bottom of the skirt. I used a soft tape measure and measured my ankles while taking a really wide step. I can't remember the measurement, but it seemed huge...now I wish I'd gone a little bigger because I do occasionally trip and almost fall on my face. You could go bigger, or you could put a slit or flap in. I like the clean look, so next time I'll just go bigger. Then center your fabric how you want...I wanted the yellow seams on mine...and pin away.


After you get it all pinned, look at it flat on the table and make sure everything is laying right. Try it on too. Make adjustments as needed.


You'll notice in this picture that I have some terrible bubbling going on. It's from the knee of the second pair of jeans, so the fabric itself is warped.


I unpinned a ways down and made the best of it. It's not perfection, but I'm satisfied. I put some extra pins in to hold it steady as I sewed and took out the primary pins.


All sewn up. **DON'T do your finishing stitching before you try it on and lay it out a bit. You just never know, you might need to adjust something or smooth something and you really don't want to sit and pick 2367743763836 million zigzag stitches out. So just do a loose straight stitch for now.


Now turn your skirt inside out and tie your thread off. Both your sewing thread and the gold thread from the jeans.



Next cut the extra off. Leave yourself some wiggle room for fraying. Also, be sure to put your hand between the scissors and the skirt fabric. I have accidentally cut through the good stuff before and it's so devastating!


Finally, decide your length. I wanted mine floor length, so I tried it on and marked all the way to the floor knowing that I'd lose some length to fraying.



Do all your finishing stitches now (*cough* so lazy...I still haven't and I've been wearing my skirt for a month).

Viola!



You could also make these with khakis or courdoroys. I plan on making my 4yo a pair from khakis that are too small for her 7yo brother. Please let me know if you make a skirt and link up some pictures!!!

Transparent Tuesday

On Tuesdays I want to make myself transparent and share something that God has been working on my life, whether it be small (like cleaning my Suburban so I'm not humiliated when I open the door at the grocery store and trash falls out) or big, like submitting to my husband on an issue that needed to be addressed for many years.  You don't have to share this as many of these matters may be very private, but I encourage you to participate privately if you so choose.

Psalm 51:1-4
1)Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.
2)Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
3)For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.
4)Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.



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Transparent Tuesday 7/12/11

Oh the issues I have in my brain. I've long known that I have OCD tendencies...back when I was a little kid, I would arrange my stuffed animals *just so*, then in high school it was my clothes, hung up in color order and sleeve length. The OCD things died down quite a bit when I came to Jesus at 19, but I still struggle with them. Sunday, a heart to heart with my husband (I've mentioned him before right? And how awesome he is at talking me down from crazy? I really appreciate that he is willing to confront me, gently, and tell me the hard things I need to hear) revealed that I am still struggling with some OCD things, just not in the way I was on the look out for.
Food. It's food. Food. I was a vegetarian from 13-21. I didn't like meat (though I realized that when it's cooked properly, some of it IS yummy...just my family liked to over cook and over season things to the point that they were just not delicious) and I didn't like that animals were dying. Animals became an idol to me, being a vegetarian was a prison. For almost a whole year I felt a strong calling to put down my chains and eat freely, and I finally submitted to that calling. Am I saying it's wrong to be a vegetarian? Absolutely not...in fact, I appreciate the health benefits of being a food-savvy vegetarian. What I'm saying is that it was wrong for ME at that time. It was keeping distance between myself and God, and myself and my husband. It was also holding back my son's development in theory(at that time he was about 18mo). I didn't want him to eat meat. Turns out that didn't really matter because now at almost 8, he doesn't really like meat and will eat it VERY sparingly when we make him.
Fast forward a few years and my almost 5yo is just born. We decide to start cleaning up our poor diet (literally poor, when I was pregnant with her, we had to budget to the penny and our food choices were not that great as I didn't realize that cooking from scratch was healthful and frugal). We finally had moved to the next phase in life (husband graduated, new job with better pay started), and it felt great to eat healthy. We lost weight, we lost our taste for things like corn syrup, and when we'd eat out occasionally with family, we'd be ill that night because our bodies weren't used to junk food. Then we got lazy and slipped into eating just regular. Fast forward a bit to just before getting pregnant with our 2 1/2yo. We were researching autism spectrum disorders at the counsel of some trustworthy friends and really came to believe that our oldest and I both were most likely in the range of Asperger's Syndrome (along with my father and brother). We decided to try a gluten-free casein-free (gfcf) diet and did really well with it for 4 months. It was hard though, and very time consuming. And limiting. We abandoned it when I became pregnant because I could not bring myself to eat any of it. Since then we've tried to eat healthy and evaluted and reevaluted what we eat...mostly just to the point of making me crazy and changing our eating habits for a few weeks at a time and reverting back to just a general healthy eating (fruits and veggies, yogurts, mostly whole wheat, no hydrogenated oils, no artificial coloring, no corn syrup/hfcs, no packaged food-except for Annie's mac n'cheese and their bunny crackers). I guess reading that it sounds pretty good, but I always find some way to beat myself up about it. For instance, the kids and I really just don't like meat. My 4yo will eat it willingly sometimes, occasionally she'll ask for chicken and excitedly devour an ounce or two, and my 2yo will also eat it *usually* when we give it to him, he'll also eat more of a variety of meat too. But we could easily take it or leave it. It bothers me to no end that my husband, who very much likes meat, has had to change more to fit us than the other way around. I guess I feel like he eats "normal" and we don't. So I try to change the 4 of us and try to force us circles to fit in a square hole, and it never lasts...and it causes a lot of heartache too sometimes.
We were just about to go gf again this week, but on the second day breakfast failed and I was upset. I was lamenting to my husband and he saw the opportunity to help me sort through all the stuff, and wow. I can see now that I DO beat myself up about our food choices. We eat things like sweet potato or pumpkin pancakes with real maple syrup, or homemade tortillas topped with beans and avacado and cheese, and we're drinking raw milk now. I hide things like butternut squash in macaroni and cheese and broccoli in "alfredo". We eat green eggs (spinach), and I always have something healthy in our muffins that are sweetened with sucanat. I make our toothpaste (and now mouthwash). I breastfeed for a long time (I am so blessed in this area and have not had any real struggles since we finally mastered it when my oldest was about 6 weeks old). All these things I do, consciously, prayerfully, and I still try to tear myself down. I'm always comparing myself to other moms who I just feel like do a better job than I do, or their kids are less picky, or x, y, z...and honestly, it wouldn't really bother me so much, but my husband said it hurts my kids when I do that, and I can't hurt them! So here is one step in the right direction. I've been bound by all this self-imposed legalism in our eating, and I need to just let it all go.
My husband read Galatians 5:1-6 to me. Verse 1 says "It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery."
I'll never be perfect, and my kids are never going to like everything I want them to. My oldest is probably going to always have dental issues (like me, and both my parents), and THAT sucks. But he'll be ok, just like I'm ok. I will just do my best and not rage at myself for not being able to do more than my best. I had a moment of clarity yesterday after our talk. God gives us endless opportunities to benefit and bless our family...and I was beating myself up for not taking advantage of every single one of them. He didn't create 3766340963467 ways for me to fail...because that's what it feels like, he created 3766340963467 ways to bless our families so that when I cast my net wide, I can catch onto the ways that work for our family. If I succeed at 4 things, great. That doesn't mean I failed because there are 3766340963463 ways that I missed or that simply don't work for us. I'm not cured of my crazy OCD "must be in absolute control of our eating"ness, but I'm feeling better about my outlook. I don't feel hopeless now. I don't feel like there is no way on earth I'll ever succeed, because I'm succeeding daily. I just need to reasonable.

Media Monday

On Mondays, I will be sharing a bit of media-Bible verse, song, television show, movie, cartoon, news article, blog post, anything media-ish that has inspired, convicted, or encouraged me.

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.



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Monday 7/11/11

I love this song by Joy Williams, Hide.



Lyrics

I first heard this song when I was new to Christianity. I knew that I was forgiven, but I didn't really know what all that meant, and I didn't really understand that Jesus wanted to meet me right where I was, warts and all. I saw these people at church who seemed all put together and figured out. They'd been Christians for a long time, many of them since childhood, and I felt like I couldn't be "holy" like them. We'd just gotten married AFTER getting pregnant, I'd spent many years as an outspoken athiest...I didn't feel like I would ever be good enough. I knew that Jesus would forgive me, but it just didn't connect fully. This song helped me.

"And if you feel like no one understands
Come to the One with scars on His hands
'Cause He knows where you are, where you've been
His scars will heal you if you let Him."

Just wow. Obviously I'm not saying trust everything you hear in a song, but use it as a launch-point for diving into your Bible and finding the truth.

Hebrews 10:22
Let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.

So come with me, if you're scared or unsure. Crack open that Bible and look for some love verses.

Romans 5:8
But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

Wow, it's hard to believe that someone would die for me, ME, while I hated Him. And He died for you too, whether you've loved him since your earliest memories, or if you aren't sure right now. He loves YOU.

I John 4:19
We love, because He first loved us.

John 3
16)For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. 17)For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him. 18)He who believes in Him is not judged; he who does not believe has been judged already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.

"He who believes in Him is not judged"...again, just wow! I get this "free" pass. All because Jesus loves ME. No more hiding, no more wondering if I'm good enough. No more thinking others deserve it more than me or that others are better than me. Jesus picked them, but He picked me too! And He wants you too. He wants to share His never-ending, knowledge-surpassing, all-encompassing, hurt-healing love with you.

Monday Blog Link-Up at Joy Filled Living

10 Thanks July

10 Thanks
On the 10th of each month, I plan on sharing 10 things I'm thankful for.  Big or little, new or old.

Psalm 28:7
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped;
Therefore my heart exults,
And with my song I shall thank Him.



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For some reason Simply-Linked isn't working for me right now, so leave your blog link in the comments please. :)



July
1) I am thankful for the servant's heart that my 4yo daughter is growing. this morning she told me that if I wanted to sleep in next weekend that she would get up with her 2yo brother and watch him.

2) I am thankful for my A-MAZ-ING husband. God has blessed me more than I could ever have imagined with just my husband. Wow. He's incredible...possibly one of his most useful talents is his ability to talk me down from crazy (which I will talk more about on Transparent Tuesday ). He's so wise and so rational.

3) I am thankful for the opportunity to be a mother. I was told by my own mother that my chances to be a mother might be lessened from dozens of pelvic x-rays as a child. I don't know if it's true or not, but it sure did worry me.

4) I am thankful for chocolate and coffee. Silly I know, but it's a way to connect with my husband, he loves them both. I love just sitting with him and eating some chocolate-something and drinking our coffee together.

5) I am thankful for some truly awesome friends. I'm not the best at being a friend. I'm a complete and total introvert, but when we get together, it doesn't seem to matter and we can talk all day.

6) I am thankful for the area I live in. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am home. It's just a great place to live, safe, big enough, but plenty of country in and around the city too.

7) I am thankful for the internet. I can remember life without it (we didn't have internet until I was maybe 14 or 15) but I can't imagine life without the opportunities it gives me to learn now, especially as a mother and I need to be able to quickly research something.

8) I am thankful for pencils. I hate writing in pen. I NEED to be able to erase things. I'm also thankful that I'm not still in english class in 10th and 11th grade when my teachers required me to write in pen. Oh the nights spent up late re-writing an assignment because I made a mistake at the bottom of the back of a page and couldn't stand the site of the "X" through it.

9) I am thankful for my Bible. It's a MacArthur Study Bible (NASB). I've learned a ton from it. I also have a Life Application Study Bible (NIV) and a Women of Faith Bible (NLT) that I loved too.

10) I am thankful for my Jesus, who loves me no matter how awful I am, or self-loathing, or prideful. I love Him because He first loved me and I am thankful that I get to spend ALL eternity in His gracious care.

Frizzy Hair-F is for Friday

F is for Friday
Friday is basically a free for all.  I plan on posting about things like Food, Fitness, Family, Fun, Festivities, etc.  It doesn't have to be about "F" things, but look forward to me doing my best to make (ridiculous) links to the letter F.

Proverbs 17:22
A joyful heart is good medicine.



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My F today is Frizzy! I have dread locks. Mostly dread locks. Some of my hair is still free. I haven't counted them...but I guess I probably have like 60. The bottom bit of my hair in the back is STILL undone, 4 months after the two week long process of slowly backcombing them in (it took me 2 weeks because I have FOUR kids! Ha! And I did it all myself here and there during the day when no one needed me, otherwise I could have busted it out in about 8-10 hours solid probably, but who has 8-10 hours?). I also undid the 2 at my ears because my glasses were just mutilating them and the 2 above those ones because they just didn't want to stay in. And my bangs are not done. I don't know when I'll finish up the back. Maybe soon, I hope. The distance between the bottom of the dreads and bottom of the undone hair is now about 4-5" and looks kind of silly. I usually wear my hair up in a big blob anyway, so it's not a huge deal.



I don't have dreads because I identify with that culture...in fact far from it. I have dreads simply because I like the way they look. I have a lot of hair. Unruly hair. Semi-wavy when it wants to be (usually on days I want it straight), semi-straight (usually on days I want it to be curly). I don't like using product to get it to obey...well, ok, my hair obeys WITH product about like a 2 year old, and without product about like a cat. It's just unmanageable. Except when super duper short. Which is cute, but I've always wanted it long and this seems to be the best way for me to have it long. Without dreads, it lays flat on my head at the top and gets all bubbly and yucky everywhere else, I can do ponytails, but they're just "eh". I've never been able to get my hair to hold an updo, it just falls out because I have a lot of fine hair. But dreads are awesome! I can do so much with them (when they don't need to be toned down a bit...they're trying to merge in the back right now and desperately need some attention...that I don't have time for at the moment), and when I can't do something cute, a simple wrapped up ponytail is still super cute.
I've had dreads before, actually about the same time of year last year (March to the end of June last year, this time end of February to now and beyond) and I tried doing the whole "un-poo'ing" thing with them, which is basically letting your hair regulate its oil on it's own and just washing with baking soda a few times a month. That didn't work for me very well, my hair was just too oily and too flaky at the same time. My husband was less than impressed, and I want to be pleasing to him. So I combed out my dreads (ouch) and went back to "regular" shampoo. Regular for us anyway. We use Avalon Organics Volumizing Rosemary Shampoo and love it. My husband likes it because it cleans all of the mechanic-y greasiness out of his hair, and I like it for the kids because the ingredients are free of things like sodium lauryl/laureth sulfate , and I like it for me because it takes away that oily feeling and keeps my scalp from drying out too much and getting flaky.
I've read over and over again that when you have dreads you should avoid common shampoos and not overwash your hair because the hairs will have a hard time binding together and you'll wind up greasy, but I have not experienced that this time at all. In fact, as far as binding, I'd say washing my hair 3 times a week (as opposed to 3 times a month, plus rinsing another 4 or 5 times a months last time) and using this shampoo has HELPED my dreads tighten up faster! And it's definitely doing a great job keeping the oily grossness away, and the flakes too. It's just awesome stuff. I have the complementary conditioner too, but I don't use that on my hair very often because I know that will untangle my hair and I don't want that. But pre-dreads, I did like it very much. Awesome stuff.

My favorite new picture

Non family picture anyway. We lit fireworks on the 4th in our driveway. My 4yo wanted us to light some around a rose from one of the rose bushes (that girl LOVES her roses). This is the awesomeness that happened!

Transparent Tuesday

Transparent Tuesday
On Tuesdays I want to make myself transparent and share something that God has been working on my life, whether it be small (like cleaning my Suburban so I'm not humiliated when I open the door at the grocery store and trash falls out) or big, like submitting to my husband on an issue that needed to be addressed for many years.  You don't have to share this as many of these matters may be very private, but I encourage you to participate privately if you so choose.

Psalm 51:1-4
1)Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.
2)Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
3)For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.
4)Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.



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So this is probably going to be a HUGE shock to some people that know me, but I think if we are blessed with another baby, we are going to seek a midwife to assist the birth. I've had one hospital birth (hated it, just felt like I was treated like a child and there was Z.E.R.O. support for my desire to go natural, not to mention they knowingly risked mine and my baby's health and safety for the sake of "timely" delivery) and three unassisted births. I loved my 3 u/c's, especially the first one. Minus my mother's presence for the last 20 minutes of it, it was picture perfect. My husband was serene (on the outside) and so supportive, even when I went bonkers and told him I wanted an epidural right before the baby came. Our second u/c was harder (3 days of labor, and a hard transition period thanks to a posterior baby with hands in his face) and I freaked out and cried and told him that I wanted a c-section because the baby was never coming. It really took a toll on my husband and I didn't want to face that. It was scary for him to see me like that and to have to decide if I was asking for a c-section because I thought something was wrong or if I was just labor-crazy. Looking back now, I can only imagine how much stress he was feeling. For our third u/c, I thought the solution to stressing my husband out would be for me to labor alone. My water broke (trickled all day really, no big gushes) first thing in the morning and I kind of laid around all day, not wanting to cause painful contractions if the baby wasn't ready to come out. That night, we went to bed around 11 and he decided to sleep on the couch, thinking that both of us would sleep better that way. Around 1:30/2 in the morning I got up and told him it was starting and that if he'd help me get my labor area set up that I'd wake him up when I needed him. Around 5:00 I started to have to really work through the contractions, and my 4yo was awake with me. About 5:30 my 2yo woke up and I decided that it was time to get Daddy up. I told him I was going to take a shower (hate baths) because it was really painful but I was only 5-6cm and I thought it was going to be a while. I tried to put on a brave face in front of him and to keep the noise down, but I was really struggling. I kept begging God to let me be done with the whole thing. Instead of relaxing between contractions I would tense up because it just meant another one was coming and I felt like they weren't going anywhere. I definitely could have used his presence, but I didn't want to scare him. Eventually I decided to test push and called him when I found that was making progress. He caught our sweet baby girl, but I knew that the whole situation really wore on him again.
We were talking recently about what the future holds for our family. I'd love to have as many more as God will allow, in His time (we don't prevent or encourage conception-we felt a very strong calling not to "try to conceive" back when we were miscarrying left and right before God gave us our 4yo), but I know that the thought really stresses out my husband. He confided in me more bluntly than usual (he really has been sweet about it, but I needed it spelled out for me) that a part of his hesitation is the giving birth part. It's scary, and so stressful for him to be THE responsible person if something goes wrong. And now I see it, FINALLY. I see what I've asked of my husband all these years, and it really wasn't fair. It's not that we both don't have faith in the Lord for our health and safety, and we know without a doubt that our decision to u/c has been right so far, but now, it's time to bring someone else in because it's not all about ME. It's about US, and if one of us is uneasy, then it's not right for the other one to force it. And I'm sorry.
Part of my reason for really liking u/c was my childhood abuse by my mother. I grew up basically unable to trust women older than me because I couldn't trust my mother not to wound me deeply. But maybe this is part of my growth and recovery now. I will HAVE to open up to another woman now and put some trust in her. I will have to be vulnerable to her. The neat thing is that I get to interview and pick someone who I think will fit me. Obviously I won't pick someone that will try to control me or reminds me of my mother. There are other types of women out there and I am sure that God has an amazing experience planned for me. For us. And for the first time in a long time maybe my husband will be able to relax and enjoy being a Daddy and husband during/after labor instead of worrying if something is wrong and if he'll be able to diagnose and act quickly enough. Poor guy.
So I'm hanging up my unassited birth hat. I don't feel like I'm being forced into anything, and I don't have the "but it's my body" attitude. It's a subtle submission. He probably never would have asked me to have a midwife, but I'm so glad that it's finally clear to me how much he'd like to have someone here. And I'm happy to submit on this one.

Daily Themes

I want to start doing some daily themes here.  I want to encourage others, and I want to learn from others also!  Feel free to grab a button and link back to me when you participate.


Media Monday
On Mondays, I will be sharing a bit of media-Bible verse, song, television show, movie, cartoon, news article, blog post, anything media-ish that has inspired, convicted, or encouraged me.

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.



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Transparent Tuesday
On Tuesdays I want to make myself transparent and share something that God has been working on my life, whether it be small (like cleaning my Suburban so I'm not humiliated when I open the door at the grocery store and trash falls out) or big, like submitting to my husband on an issue that needed to be addressed for many years.  You don't have to share this as many of these matters may be very private, but I encourage you to participate privately if you so choose.

Psalm 51:1-4
1)Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.
2)Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
3)For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.
4)Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.



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F is for Friday
Friday is basically a free for all.  I plan on posting about things like Food, Fitness, Family, Fun, Festivities, etc.  It doesn't have to be about "F" things, but look forward to me doing my best to make (ridiculous) links to the letter F.

Proverbs 17:22
A joyful heart is good medicine.



<a href="http://hearmenurture.blogspot.com"><img border="0" src="http://i1081.photobucket.com/albums/j353/hearmenurture/Buttons/FisforFriday.gif" /></a>


Service Saturday
Saturdays I'd like to talk about ways that we can serve our families (as a whole, or an individual), our communities, and our God.  Or about ways that someone has blessed us!  Please be mindful that this doesn't become an opportunity to boast.  I want this to be us sharing ideas so that others may bless their family/community/God in similar ways.

John 12:26
If anyone serves Me, he must follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also; if anyone serves Me, the Father will honor him.



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10 Thanks
On the 10th of each month, I plan on sharing 10 things I'm thankful for.  Big or little, new or old.

Psalm 28:7
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped;
Therefore my heart exults,
And with my song I shall thank Him.



<a href="http://hearmenurture.blogspot.com"><img border="0" src="http://i1081.photobucket.com/albums/j353/hearmenurture/10Thanks.gif" /></a>


20 Questions
On the 20th of each month, I'd like to post those questions we have for God, like "Why did You pick blue for the sky?"...I'm sure the kiddos in many of our lives will inspire many questions.

Habakkuk 3:3(b)
His splendor covers the heavens,
And the earth is full of His praise.



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